I spent the eve of Christmas in the pub with Hannah and 2 old men called Georgie and John. Dementia and drink makes old men funny. I come home and he's not here. I open a present and he doesn't care. I phone him and whine and cry and he's already thought of his justifications for being crap so it doesn't penetrate.
I met my beautiful stranger. I’m on my break with my skinny cappuccino, with 1 sugar, and a cigarette and there he is. Sitting on the steps, in my spot. I tell him he can borrow it. He says he's shy. It felt almost pre-rehearsed. He tells me about his life. I’m nervous, fumbling, shaking, smoking, and smiling. He’s unshaven, self assured, chatty and polite. I’m thinking... wow-this is ideal. Most probably too good to be true, but I take pleasure from it for what it is.
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
eggnog, mince pies, turkey and merriment
I sat on the kitchen floor, in front of the heater, smoking. I thought about Christmas song lyrics that somehow match people I know. For example:
Fahad (obsessed with anything to do with motoring) : "driving home for Christmas"
Katie (who has admitted she is very demanding) : "oh I wish it could be Christmas everyday"
Richard (fascist) : "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas"
Rachel (obese) : "Oh, bring us a figgy pudding"
Robert (keen sailor) : "DECK the halls with boughs of holly"
Sam (vertically challenged) : "have yourself a merry little Christmas"
and so on and so forth. some are farfetched, i know..... Then i realised how wrong it was to use such extreme stereotyping for my own amusement and stopped
I'm quite crestfallen these days. Maybe I have seasonal affective disorder or maybe I'm just lonely. I have two fleeting fantasies of married/co-habiting adult relationship life. I'm not sure if I want to be loved intensively like Meg Ryan in 'When A Man Loves A Woman' except I don't particularly want my partner to be a pilot and I don't fancy being an alcoholic mother. this fantasy has kids and a strong family structure maintained by me. The other; (no children here) a really relaxed relationship whereby we don't even need to talk sometimes and we have a mutual understanding of each others space and we both have our different careers but we support each other when and where we can. Like in Enduring Love. Or maybe we won't be as professional as that. Maybe more casual like in 'High Fidelity'. He could be an aspiring writer or something underpaid but I don't care and I'm happy living in the dingy flat we rent because he's fun and I love him.
Except for the time off, I can't say I'm looking forward to Christmas. There will be lots of food and drink and films on the telly but I don't know how I feel about that. I would say I am indifferent about it at the moment. I don't plan to buy anyone any presents due to lack of money and will. I probably should get my mother something as its practically obligatory and because despite the fact that I've said I don't want any presents she will still give me something or other to unwrap. I don't know what the arrangements are yet. I don't think it's a decision I'll really have to make. It will just happen, you know?
I should like to buy myself some boots with the little money I have and I'll say they are from Santa what with Lapland being the leading suppliers of black knee highs and all.
All I really want for Christmas is a U.S. visa and a job there for next autumn but I expect this won't be possible. It's a drawn-out process.
Christmas is not a thing. I'd rather not be writing about it but there is little else worth mentioning right now. Stupid childhood memories of Christmas remind me that I used to buy my cats (1 and 2) gifts and little canine treats for my grandparent's dogs. They would sign my Christmas cards "love from Nan, Granddad and (insert dogs names)" with little doggy foot print ink symbol optional. Christmas is for children. When I'm at work in central London, and I'm dazzled by the twinkling lights and my eardrums are repetitively pierced by the jingle bells on shite Christmas songs, I pretend its not happening. Fortunately, my friends and family are similarly unenthused about 'the season' so, despite the purple tinsel tree and the mistletoe over the door, I'm quite able to ignore it. It's all a bit stupid as most of the people i know would rather poke their own eyes out than kiss each other but i figure, unless you want to be outcast from society this winter you have to be mildly involved with the festivities. I'm not bitter if that is how I sound. It just washes over me and I smile and politely reply 'and what about you what are you doing for Christmas?' I hope to be absorbed by my studies. Eggnog, mince pies, turkey and merriment and then... January.
Fahad (obsessed with anything to do with motoring) : "driving home for Christmas"
Katie (who has admitted she is very demanding) : "oh I wish it could be Christmas everyday"
Richard (fascist) : "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas"
Rachel (obese) : "Oh, bring us a figgy pudding"
Robert (keen sailor) : "DECK the halls with boughs of holly"
Sam (vertically challenged) : "have yourself a merry little Christmas"
and so on and so forth. some are farfetched, i know..... Then i realised how wrong it was to use such extreme stereotyping for my own amusement and stopped
I'm quite crestfallen these days. Maybe I have seasonal affective disorder or maybe I'm just lonely. I have two fleeting fantasies of married/co-habiting adult relationship life. I'm not sure if I want to be loved intensively like Meg Ryan in 'When A Man Loves A Woman' except I don't particularly want my partner to be a pilot and I don't fancy being an alcoholic mother. this fantasy has kids and a strong family structure maintained by me. The other; (no children here) a really relaxed relationship whereby we don't even need to talk sometimes and we have a mutual understanding of each others space and we both have our different careers but we support each other when and where we can. Like in Enduring Love. Or maybe we won't be as professional as that. Maybe more casual like in 'High Fidelity'. He could be an aspiring writer or something underpaid but I don't care and I'm happy living in the dingy flat we rent because he's fun and I love him.
Except for the time off, I can't say I'm looking forward to Christmas. There will be lots of food and drink and films on the telly but I don't know how I feel about that. I would say I am indifferent about it at the moment. I don't plan to buy anyone any presents due to lack of money and will. I probably should get my mother something as its practically obligatory and because despite the fact that I've said I don't want any presents she will still give me something or other to unwrap. I don't know what the arrangements are yet. I don't think it's a decision I'll really have to make. It will just happen, you know?
I should like to buy myself some boots with the little money I have and I'll say they are from Santa what with Lapland being the leading suppliers of black knee highs and all.
All I really want for Christmas is a U.S. visa and a job there for next autumn but I expect this won't be possible. It's a drawn-out process.
Christmas is not a thing. I'd rather not be writing about it but there is little else worth mentioning right now. Stupid childhood memories of Christmas remind me that I used to buy my cats (1 and 2) gifts and little canine treats for my grandparent's dogs. They would sign my Christmas cards "love from Nan, Granddad and (insert dogs names)" with little doggy foot print ink symbol optional. Christmas is for children. When I'm at work in central London, and I'm dazzled by the twinkling lights and my eardrums are repetitively pierced by the jingle bells on shite Christmas songs, I pretend its not happening. Fortunately, my friends and family are similarly unenthused about 'the season' so, despite the purple tinsel tree and the mistletoe over the door, I'm quite able to ignore it. It's all a bit stupid as most of the people i know would rather poke their own eyes out than kiss each other but i figure, unless you want to be outcast from society this winter you have to be mildly involved with the festivities. I'm not bitter if that is how I sound. It just washes over me and I smile and politely reply 'and what about you what are you doing for Christmas?' I hope to be absorbed by my studies. Eggnog, mince pies, turkey and merriment and then... January.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
bemusing phone call with ex
Me: “...Hello?”
Him: “Hi! Are you okay?”
Me: “yeah I’m fine.”
Him: “I’m on my way!”
Me: “what?! Where?”
Him: “to your workplace”
Me: “what the hell?!” (we haven’t talked in weeks and I’m at home)
Him: “ohhhh shit! Whoops… i've phoned the wrong number. I didn’t mean to call you!”
Me: “Right… Okay bye”
Him: “Sorry! How are you anyway?”
Me: “Bye”
Him: “Hi! Are you okay?”
Me: “yeah I’m fine.”
Him: “I’m on my way!”
Me: “what?! Where?”
Him: “to your workplace”
Me: “what the hell?!” (we haven’t talked in weeks and I’m at home)
Him: “ohhhh shit! Whoops… i've phoned the wrong number. I didn’t mean to call you!”
Me: “Right… Okay bye”
Him: “Sorry! How are you anyway?”
Me: “Bye”
Monday, December 06, 2004
A weekend of purple haze in Amsterdam
I'm shattered. Into a thousand tiny pieces and I need to recollect my fragmented thoughts.
Amsterdam is a zany place. "Set me your McKroket ." Katy fell up the slippery steps. A guy called Wayne played 9 ball by himself. He wore a shower cap and put footprints on the bed.
Katie has supernatural abilities to find Americans wherever we go and so she did. we all sat talking in a shady but sophisticated coffee shop, between the brothels, irish pubs, sex shops and take-away food outlets. A middle aged gothic-looking woman whom I named "Zelda" smoked hash for hours and stared at Hannah . Then it was 3am and we walked back in the direction of the hotel. It was dark, damp and misty. I thought it made everything look more pretty. JC thought it felt ominous. We said our goodbyes and went to our room. Katie and I sat by the open window and smoked more whilst the church bells tolled.
The next day was overcast but it seemed so bright in comparison to the night before. We went into a cute cafe nearby and stumbled unexpectedly upon JC, Christy and Cam so we drank coffees and ate breakfast together. Cam sang pop songs that everybody knows and talked about his ex-girlfriend and how she felt about her body.
After shopping and picking out adorable pink mittens we went back to Rembrandtplein and smoked again. I signed our names on the bathroom wall.
A double-decker train took us back to the airport. I sat by the window and saw the lighthouses on the coast of Holland flashing and I saw the streetlights turn into dotted patterns and then nothing. I saw my bag come off the plane. We listened to music in the car on the way home and we were all tired and reflective. I wonder if any of our new found acquaintances will be in touch?
Amsterdam is a zany place. "Set me your McKroket ." Katy fell up the slippery steps. A guy called Wayne played 9 ball by himself. He wore a shower cap and put footprints on the bed.
Katie has supernatural abilities to find Americans wherever we go and so she did. we all sat talking in a shady but sophisticated coffee shop, between the brothels, irish pubs, sex shops and take-away food outlets. A middle aged gothic-looking woman whom I named "Zelda" smoked hash for hours and stared at Hannah . Then it was 3am and we walked back in the direction of the hotel. It was dark, damp and misty. I thought it made everything look more pretty. JC thought it felt ominous. We said our goodbyes and went to our room. Katie and I sat by the open window and smoked more whilst the church bells tolled.
The next day was overcast but it seemed so bright in comparison to the night before. We went into a cute cafe nearby and stumbled unexpectedly upon JC, Christy and Cam so we drank coffees and ate breakfast together. Cam sang pop songs that everybody knows and talked about his ex-girlfriend and how she felt about her body.
After shopping and picking out adorable pink mittens we went back to Rembrandtplein and smoked again. I signed our names on the bathroom wall.
A double-decker train took us back to the airport. I sat by the window and saw the lighthouses on the coast of Holland flashing and I saw the streetlights turn into dotted patterns and then nothing. I saw my bag come off the plane. We listened to music in the car on the way home and we were all tired and reflective. I wonder if any of our new found acquaintances will be in touch?
Monday, November 29, 2004
what made my day
Today I talked to the manwhofellasleep a.k.a. Greg. All the lonely bitterness subsided and after our chat I felt positively elated. My heart warmed up again.
He liked my pigeon photograph. I asked him if he wanted to have a coffee one-day. He said "maybe, I’d like to get to know you a little first.” I apologised for being “over familiar” he said “no, it’s okay.” He said he’d bookmarked my blog and that he would read it. I told him he needn’t bother. He told me of his lack of inspiration and how he didn’t want to repeat the same boring stuff. I said, “I feel the same way about people.” It was nice.
x X x
p.s. i am sexless
He liked my pigeon photograph. I asked him if he wanted to have a coffee one-day. He said "maybe, I’d like to get to know you a little first.” I apologised for being “over familiar” he said “no, it’s okay.” He said he’d bookmarked my blog and that he would read it. I told him he needn’t bother. He told me of his lack of inspiration and how he didn’t want to repeat the same boring stuff. I said, “I feel the same way about people.” It was nice.
x X x
p.s. i am sexless
Sunday, November 28, 2004
I'm awesome and yummy
After drinking several glasses of wine I decided it would be a good idea to exhaust all my links with previous love interests. After making multiple phone calls and deciding to leave those losers behind, I feel tomorrow will be a new day and a new beginning. I will be pure and fresh and ready for new preoccupations. hooray
x X x
x X x
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
ex's
I’m very angry at the moment. Frustrated and humiliated. I have let myself be led up the wrong path and left and now I’m lost and confused.
We said goodbye a long time ago. And only now it’s started to bother me. I try but I can’t seem to get myself to think of anything but you… and when you’re with someone else it makes me so outraged and I can’t understand why. What a conundrum!?
He will miss me a lot when I go and live on the other side of the world without him, which gives me some comfort. I don’t like feeling out of control in these matters. It must be better to leave than to be left? The truth: he doesn’t have the mental capacity to keep me happy, nor does he have the strength of character to contend with me. Let alone the stability. He's tactless. This is a shame. It used to be heart warming. Perhaps the greener grass on the other side (cockney hairdresser called “Sam” …eugh!) will suit him better. Is that bitter? I can be so bitter sometimes… when I use my bitter 'curse' lines like “I hope you’re really happy together” and “Hope it works out for you two” … too evil. I’m only being insecure but I’ve got to brush that dirt off my shoulder and hold my head up high
This afternoon I was told…
“Ok. During the evening we met you went through a ream of emotions - excitement, joy, surprise, boredom but still you kept true”
Amusing huh? Keep in mind this comes from an almost stranger who is a fantastically complex victim of the world… a strange phantom that somehow fits in superbly. I truly don't know what to make of it.
I’m feeling slightly better than I did when I started writing this. I’m impressed by my restraint… I could have said some naughty sexist things earlier, like “all men are selfish gits” but I maintained my composure except for the bitterness and insults to his intelligence. Could I be more petty and childish??
We said goodbye a long time ago. And only now it’s started to bother me. I try but I can’t seem to get myself to think of anything but you… and when you’re with someone else it makes me so outraged and I can’t understand why. What a conundrum!?
He will miss me a lot when I go and live on the other side of the world without him, which gives me some comfort. I don’t like feeling out of control in these matters. It must be better to leave than to be left? The truth: he doesn’t have the mental capacity to keep me happy, nor does he have the strength of character to contend with me. Let alone the stability. He's tactless. This is a shame. It used to be heart warming. Perhaps the greener grass on the other side (cockney hairdresser called “Sam” …eugh!) will suit him better. Is that bitter? I can be so bitter sometimes… when I use my bitter 'curse' lines like “I hope you’re really happy together” and “Hope it works out for you two” … too evil. I’m only being insecure but I’ve got to brush that dirt off my shoulder and hold my head up high
This afternoon I was told…
“Ok. During the evening we met you went through a ream of emotions - excitement, joy, surprise, boredom but still you kept true”
Amusing huh? Keep in mind this comes from an almost stranger who is a fantastically complex victim of the world… a strange phantom that somehow fits in superbly. I truly don't know what to make of it.
I’m feeling slightly better than I did when I started writing this. I’m impressed by my restraint… I could have said some naughty sexist things earlier, like “all men are selfish gits” but I maintained my composure except for the bitterness and insults to his intelligence. Could I be more petty and childish??
Thursday, November 11, 2004
going to work
My bus is late and i'm feeling empty. I have hopes and reservations about a closer friendship with her. i might lose that exciting feeling you get when you don't know someone well. That electrifying mystery. She has that. Once you do get to know someone ugly aspects reveal themselves. Maybe it's my ugly parts are what worry me.
Severe braking and now my ipod has a scratched face. ouch. my heart pangs. buses are crap sometimes. i must admit that when a bus that takes all the simple minded and/or old people to bingo passed me i was mildly warmed. a cheap thrill. The big, orange, autumnal sun is setting between the Millennium Dome and Canary Wharf. A crisp 10 pound note is sucked into the machine and 8 pounds is returned. I'm fare evading again. tut tut.
New people are great. that original flush of intrigue and curiosity. Sometimes i think i should like to keep some people at this stage. It's nice to imagine what a relationship with them might be like. but unfortunately it’s tainted by an uncontrollable desire to meet and talk to them and to have them fulfill or displease your expectation of them. Usually, the reality is they are disappointing to your over-imaginative expectations. It's probably not their fault. Maybe our imaginations are more complimentary and generous to a beautiful stranger than we realise. i think that is 'Hope'. i wonder if i'm ever thought of with such high hopes. i wonder if i could be a beautiful stranger. Why do so many people, including myself, fail to live up to the level of perfection? When they do its astonishing and almost unbelievable...maybe intimidating?! i know only 2 people who have ever done that. Still i wonder how accurate my opinion is and whether it's a fantasy because they are both mysteriously distant. Did i keep them distant on purpose?
Severe braking and now my ipod has a scratched face. ouch. my heart pangs. buses are crap sometimes. i must admit that when a bus that takes all the simple minded and/or old people to bingo passed me i was mildly warmed. a cheap thrill. The big, orange, autumnal sun is setting between the Millennium Dome and Canary Wharf. A crisp 10 pound note is sucked into the machine and 8 pounds is returned. I'm fare evading again. tut tut.
New people are great. that original flush of intrigue and curiosity. Sometimes i think i should like to keep some people at this stage. It's nice to imagine what a relationship with them might be like. but unfortunately it’s tainted by an uncontrollable desire to meet and talk to them and to have them fulfill or displease your expectation of them. Usually, the reality is they are disappointing to your over-imaginative expectations. It's probably not their fault. Maybe our imaginations are more complimentary and generous to a beautiful stranger than we realise. i think that is 'Hope'. i wonder if i'm ever thought of with such high hopes. i wonder if i could be a beautiful stranger. Why do so many people, including myself, fail to live up to the level of perfection? When they do its astonishing and almost unbelievable...maybe intimidating?! i know only 2 people who have ever done that. Still i wonder how accurate my opinion is and whether it's a fantasy because they are both mysteriously distant. Did i keep them distant on purpose?
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
The Encounter
It was 9pm. We sat in his office and when the sarcastic conversation began to dry up i decided i would sit at his desk and play pictionary. They went to be alone and i sat in the dark alone with barefeet. i made some phone calls and enjoyed how surreal the situation was and wondered how i'd gotten there. Several orgasms later they re-emerged. i made gentle fun of them and we all left. it was 2am
Friday, November 05, 2004
so simple
Isn't it funny how things work out. It's getting colder.
I think about her and him everyday and what might have been and what it is now and what could? Is it too late? I know i was too hard.
[B] is comfortingly consistant. I have Purple stones on my finger, nicotine in my blood... again. Cheap fragranced body milk that should have been thrown away. i smell like a hospital flower pot, perhaps an old lady.
I learned something today.... to be careful but that is too insipid when i want to be boundless.
I'm not lovable. Does avoiding the L word protect your feelings? I'm sure I'll find out.
its make-believe, forget it. "just to find myself I should have been - you, saying sorry but I know that isn't going to cut it"
nicotine again? I saw the stars tonight. I might be wasting our time.
It's not too late. I think I'd like to say it again, just to see how it feels because its getting harder than just 'goodbye'
I think about her and him everyday and what might have been and what it is now and what could? Is it too late? I know i was too hard.
[B] is comfortingly consistant. I have Purple stones on my finger, nicotine in my blood... again. Cheap fragranced body milk that should have been thrown away. i smell like a hospital flower pot, perhaps an old lady.
I learned something today.... to be careful but that is too insipid when i want to be boundless.
I'm not lovable. Does avoiding the L word protect your feelings? I'm sure I'll find out.
its make-believe, forget it. "just to find myself I should have been - you, saying sorry but I know that isn't going to cut it"
nicotine again? I saw the stars tonight. I might be wasting our time.
It's not too late. I think I'd like to say it again, just to see how it feels because its getting harder than just 'goodbye'
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
the morning after the night before
i was flying last night. today i am firmly grounded, if a little dizzy.
so much to say but i can't find the words
"i love the tone thats in your laugh, gasping for an extra breath"
i'm so happy...
despite the feeling of residual toxins seeping from my skin
so much to say but i can't find the words
"i love the tone thats in your laugh, gasping for an extra breath"
i'm so happy...
despite the feeling of residual toxins seeping from my skin
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Delirious
Today i feel scared,
scared that i might have depression, anxiety, OCD. i might be a self harmer, an escapist and a realist.
Or... all of the above at the same time!?
i can't see a way out. maybe i need therapy (how pathetic/impotent)
i gave my pret a manger crisps to a homeless bloke today but i didnt feel good about it. i felt ashamed that this was my only pathetic offering to people less fortunate than myself. Then i felt annoyed at the world for being to obnoxious.
this evening i called him out of desperation. bad move. its not what i really want.
sometimes things people say really get to me.
Jeff Buckley-"forget her" is beautiful.
i feel tingly and increasingly disappointed.
im concerned about Joss Stone's ears. i fear they may be deformed as she always has her hair halfway across her face. ears are nice. lobes are silky. are ears not in fashion?
im delirious. straight hair is nice, curly is better
im not in love anymore
goodnight
p.s. Maroon 5 suck my ass everyday
scared that i might have depression, anxiety, OCD. i might be a self harmer, an escapist and a realist.
Or... all of the above at the same time!?
i can't see a way out. maybe i need therapy (how pathetic/impotent)
i gave my pret a manger crisps to a homeless bloke today but i didnt feel good about it. i felt ashamed that this was my only pathetic offering to people less fortunate than myself. Then i felt annoyed at the world for being to obnoxious.
this evening i called him out of desperation. bad move. its not what i really want.
sometimes things people say really get to me.
Jeff Buckley-"forget her" is beautiful.
i feel tingly and increasingly disappointed.
im concerned about Joss Stone's ears. i fear they may be deformed as she always has her hair halfway across her face. ears are nice. lobes are silky. are ears not in fashion?
im delirious. straight hair is nice, curly is better
im not in love anymore
goodnight
p.s. Maroon 5 suck my ass everyday
Monday, September 13, 2004
autumn afternoon
i went back to school today. some things have changed.... my form tutor, my timetable, the arrangement of the suite. some things unfortunatly havent.... certain pedantic members of the faculty, my peer's obnoxious behaviour. sometimes my failure to enjoy immature play talk makes me feel inadequate and embarassed. i hope that this feeling will only last as long school does. olivia made me realise that i can count on 1 hand people who i truly enjoy talking to and being in the company of. it made me feel sad for about a minute.
i think my best friend is in need of therapy. thankfully she is on a waiting list. i have not showered yet today. i am meant to write a personal statement for my university application. i dont know what the hell to say as i dont have any hobbies. i enjoy playing top golf. is it wrong to state "keen golfer" ? hahaha. i am staying out of the storm that is my love/sex/intimate/personal life. i think i shall wait for things to blow over or away. that is a sad prospect. i feel cosy in kt's sweater. i like olivia.
hannah is a legend. the sun is shining. smile.
i think my best friend is in need of therapy. thankfully she is on a waiting list. i have not showered yet today. i am meant to write a personal statement for my university application. i dont know what the hell to say as i dont have any hobbies. i enjoy playing top golf. is it wrong to state "keen golfer" ? hahaha. i am staying out of the storm that is my love/sex/intimate/personal life. i think i shall wait for things to blow over or away. that is a sad prospect. i feel cosy in kt's sweater. i like olivia.
hannah is a legend. the sun is shining. smile.
Thursday, August 05, 2004
warm today
after yesterday's freak weather today was warm and sunny. i went out in it wearing very little and feeling rather attractive for a change. of late i have just wanted to cover up but today was an exception. hmmmm nice... i wonder how long this feeling will last? its very hot
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
today i feel useless
in 2 weeks time my hours are being cut from 14 to 5 a week. obviously this sucks.
things to do
** find new job which means that sorting out my C.V. is necessary. my computer is so ancient that i am finding this impossible.
i also need to... (in a rough order of importance)
** Book my Driving Test
** Prepare for my theory
** Book train / coach tickets to York
** Sort out broadband
** Get Car Insurance
** Read 3 Books
** Write a 2000 word English Essay on 2 of the books
** Join The Gym
** Go To the Gym
And various other random yet slighty less important things
today i am tired as i stayed at [L]'s and went to bed in a bad mood. she thinks i am a snob. she fails to understand me and so labels me a snob which in truth could not be more inaccurate. a boring and uninteresting person who likes to refer to how i used to be in order to judge/ insult how i am now. she claims i am just like my new friends who she slightly despises. its a insult in disguise. i wish she wouldnt do that because it makes it hard for me to react properly. she is too afraid to openly insult me but i get the impression. it makes me feel angry and awkward.
its just started thunderstorming sunshine and showers. i need to shower.
i am tired. i feel useless.
i need some interesting conversation. i had to leave [L]'s as soon as i awoke.
i hope i can do at least 3 of my **'s to do before tomorrow.
i want to eat and nap. [L] is right when she says that my lifestyle is boring. i think it only seems boring maybe because she has few responsibilities and lacks substance. having stupid boring things to do makes you a person. She drinks alot. i hope i will achieve something.
things to do
** find new job which means that sorting out my C.V. is necessary. my computer is so ancient that i am finding this impossible.
i also need to... (in a rough order of importance)
** Book my Driving Test
** Prepare for my theory
** Book train / coach tickets to York
** Sort out broadband
** Get Car Insurance
** Read 3 Books
** Write a 2000 word English Essay on 2 of the books
** Join The Gym
** Go To the Gym
And various other random yet slighty less important things
today i am tired as i stayed at [L]'s and went to bed in a bad mood. she thinks i am a snob. she fails to understand me and so labels me a snob which in truth could not be more inaccurate. a boring and uninteresting person who likes to refer to how i used to be in order to judge/ insult how i am now. she claims i am just like my new friends who she slightly despises. its a insult in disguise. i wish she wouldnt do that because it makes it hard for me to react properly. she is too afraid to openly insult me but i get the impression. it makes me feel angry and awkward.
its just started thunderstorming sunshine and showers. i need to shower.
i am tired. i feel useless.
i need some interesting conversation. i had to leave [L]'s as soon as i awoke.
i hope i can do at least 3 of my **'s to do before tomorrow.
i want to eat and nap. [L] is right when she says that my lifestyle is boring. i think it only seems boring maybe because she has few responsibilities and lacks substance. having stupid boring things to do makes you a person. She drinks alot. i hope i will achieve something.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
weather
i know its a cliche but the weather in england is living up to foreigners expectations at the moment... its really getting me down. downpours and gales. ive had enough
"Today: Rather cloudy with some rain in places this morning."
rain all over me this morning
x X x
"Today: Rather cloudy with some rain in places this morning."
rain all over me this morning
x X x
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