I rolled around on the floor for a while. And we did paintings. I painted on a photocopy of my hand that i'd made in the office earlier in the week. i've put all our paintings on the kitchen wall. They are of varying abilities. Mine's pretty lame but I don't care. Katie's is good and the others are shapely.

flying

I trapped her little fingers in between a cupboard hinge and she screamed and cried and I thought her little fingers might be broken, they turned so white. I freaked out and I thought what the hell am I doing here?! What am I doing? This is such a façade. But her fingers weren't broken and she stopped crying but I was still bitter. I was so relieved to be walking away from the house and I walked as fast as my feet could.
Katie's in Half Moon bay, on the beach. When I got home I finished my left over quesadilla from last night. I cleaned the dust from our expresso maker and did the washing up and cleaned the bathroom and sorted the recycle and then decided to nap. I drowned in my duvet.
Last night we went flying over the city at night. I flew the plane over the Bay bridge and the Golden Gate bridge and then low over downtown San Francisco and over the Rolling Stones concert and then over San Francisco International and I listened to a British Airways pilot making his request for take off. He took off beneath me. Highway 101 snaked and the full moon lit the bay. I cannot quite comprehend it.

she walked past me in the living room and stroked her fingers through my hair and I was a baby so I wanted her arms around me.

It's wonderful and a tear trickled down my neck

long night time drives get you nowhere

I drove to the city to to get lost. I was lost before I got there. I probably went round and round in squares.

i see deer all the time now

Last night I couldn't talk. I drank maple syrup from the bottle. Jazzi stroked the back of my neck and I laid all over her. Katie made waffles. I twitched on the couch between 3 people. At 12.20 they went to in-n-out burger and I asked Katie if I could get in bed with her. The morning sunlight blinds me awake in my room. I slept til midday woke up, did the washing up. From the corner of my eye I saw a brown cushion on the chair and I wished it was a cat but it's just an ugly cushion.

Bands I saw this summer:

Tempo Shark,
The Rakes,
The Rotters,
The Objects,
The Long Blondes,
Ex Models,
Test-icicles,
Arcade Fire,
Be Your Own Pet,
Arctic Monkeys,
Clor,
The Kills,
The Noisettes,
Foo Fighters,
Razorlight,
Kings Of Leon,
Mystery Jets,
Bloc Party,
The Go! Team,
Vincent Vincent and the Villains,
Cheena,
The Cribs,
Berrick,
Farfall,
The Raveonettes,
Babyshambles,
Comonechi,
Pipettes,
The Research
Yeti,
Black Wire,
Twisted Charm,
Youth Movie Soundtrack Strategies,
Kaito,
New Rhodes,
Hot Hot Heat,
The Bishops,
Young Knives
Magnet,
The Blood Arm,
The Horrors
Les Incompetents,
Louie,
Battles,
Ludes,


memories of some bands are sharper than others. She's in pretty much every one. Thank You for these times. Thanks for being there with me. Thank You for the dancing and the drinking and the chit chat and the travelling to and from. Thank You for the lollypops and outfit suprises and the laughs and the energy you spent on me. You're so hardcore

The sun shines everyday but I look the wrong way when I cross the road.

hot hot summer-this is the end.

--> In bed throwing filthy dirty moves. Worshipping at the altar. The musical altar that is. Physical activities involves dancing and walking to and from. The best action I've ever had. Something pretty (but) interesting. Balloon fun you never grow out of. Indie meat markets. Infested with nons. It’s never the most obvious songs. Scanning the queue for safe ones. Ones we'd keep. Also when we dance we see eye to eye. Be my Polly pocket. So teeny weenie I could fold her up and put her in my purse and unfold her when I need a little thrill. They know not what they execute and I know not how much I create in my head. Oh and he might just be a keeper but in some other sense he makes me unwind oh yeah he makes me go out for the fifth night in a row. Lend me some money and some sleep. Keep going for the love of it. Oh how prepossessing it feels. Every minute detail joins and seals the beautiful fabric they inadvertently created. They know not what they do to me and I'll worship that and be thankful for that so long as I can. All the smiles and empty gazes. I watch the boys placing words in each others ears. One delicately sweeps his hair from his sullen face. The other looks dazedly unconcerned. I'd sneakily watch them from the corner of my big swollen eyes in suspense for the next treat. Will I ever know if Kat deserves a license to DJ? Nazi couples. Two-pound mixers. Dolled up monsters and we met on the dance floor again. The musical lubrication makes me slip and slide and talk and smile as I did. The accelerating songs cause spasms in my spine until the words are in my eyes and the music's in my mouth. Some days the music lubricates our every move. I think it’s the cohesive force and it's in between our fingers and it's sealed into the cracks on the 7" records and its folded in the creases in the flyers. It's such a curiously consuming construct.

Gigs don't taste the same without cigarettes so I smoked anyway! It's illegal now that I live on Hill St. I went to the Haight today and i drank root beer. I want to eat everything. I'm trying to digest it all.

Today was the longest day. I ate breakfast twice, then I ate lunch and then dinner. Then I ate lunch again and dinner again.
I've been awake for 28 hours.

I forgot to pick up the Um Bongo

scratch my name out

This morning I got out of bed and was sick in the kitchen sink.
Later,
I took my old clothes to a charity shop, got some dollars and then I bought a 12 pack of Um Bongo to drink on the plane tomorrow.

I fell in love at w.h.o.r.e.fest. -->

159 hours until take off

You were running late for work so you didn't change your shirt and the evening's drinks left a lingering taste in your mouth. When you left I was fast asleep, tangled in the sheets and on the bus you could have sworn it was all a dream that didn't happen to you.

Inside your head were things I never thought about.

trampling on the perimeters

My body clock is all messy. Absolute hedonism.
Be my Polly Pocket and I'll take you with me

The Arcade Fire blow my brains
but carefully put it back together afterwards
and then it's like they were never there to start with.

Tomorrow I'm going to Poitiers for a few days off.

I Am The World's

I'm leaving for Leeds with very mixed feelings. The only thing I'm sure about is the music I want to hear/see/die to.

but i work in a pub

Last night I thought I'd met my food soul mate, but then he told me he liked olives. I'm covered in gnat bites but it was worth it for the boom smoking spot. When he challenged my song choices I picked better ones. I liked the competition.
The sounds and scents were Cut Copy and Joop. My eyes roll around in my head and my spinal fluid is drained but I love every moment. When I close my eyes I'm there with Liv.

Hoping the paucity of preparation for moving across the world won't be a problem.

I was bitten by the beats and still, I'm just buzzing from the atmospheric memories. It's all about the music and the being seen. For me, it's all about the music and the looking. ♥

I fantasize about swimming before breakfast.
I fantasize about polishing away the dirty habits and
I dream about the right person not being in the wrong place, at the wrong time

being blithe

We’re flying down the A401 lit only by the headlights of the car and the moon. I think we're in the middle of nowhere and I’m thinking it wouldn't matter if we broke down now because we'd be together. She laughs that she can see "fuck all" in her rear-view mirror. She shouts to me about shipping her belongings over the beating wind from the window I have open. I’m her drunken curled up smoking passenger. She talks about the hypocrisy of the Vatican. We hit the M25 and then its reassuringly bright orange. I spark her up and I point out the speed cameras and we're heading home but I realise there is nothing here for me anymore. I’m more at content in the middle of nowhere with her.

glitter traces on worn out faces

hannahannaandy
Originally uploaded by my mind and me.

oh but when it was dark and i was drunk i didnt notice the state of things. i was quite content.

worst hangover yet

It's just as easy to be good, as it is to efface any goodness. Blink it all away. I once knew this criminal and all I wanted to do was tell them how bad they had been, but I knew that they're only defence would be to remind me that I too am crooked. So I find I have nothing to say to that criminal and almost nothing to say for myself. Nothing means anything. I think it doesn't count. It's spilling over but reaching for a new something, grasping but slipping. Got to leave a spillage behind. Making my victims. I've got to get out of here. I don't know what the hell I’m doing now.
I laid on the shed roof and looked at the blue nothing and I was tired of it. so fell asleep, woke up, puked, trying to get it all out of my system.

some summer

I’m gathering the scraps of paper, flashcards, receipts and travel cards with all the scribbled brief thoughts and they don't fit together. Where do I start?
There was one night where I lost my remote control over what I was doing. He said "maybe you should think about this in the morning" but I wanted to listen to talk or listen to my ipod but it was making too much noise. Though my breathing was louder it was still "a bit selfish". Then tugging on my underwear. What’s selfish? The next morning I tiptoed around but I pressed close on the lift and the doors knocked his keys out of his hands and I watched them fall and slip down the shaft. He couldn't understand why I was crying. He says I should keep thoughts like "I should have just left last night" to myself.

Other allegories are more messy and sore than this. But would involve worn out heels and getting dressed in the dark. Bloodshot stains on my thighs that have faded now. They involve the sickening disappointment at realising the truly superficial nature of elusive characters I was once infatuated with. I’m so indecisive these days. But my vision's back to normal and I can see more clearly than I could weeks ago.

Moving to America has been dwarfed by the fact that my family is dispersing also. I’ll have no home to return to. I’m lost in my living room.

oh such a tragic tale

One day when I was deluded I wrote a letter. It was a very ingratiating letter. Now I think of the words I wanted to say but I couldn't spit out, and I hate them. I wish I could tear and rip that letter up but it's inaccessible. Grossly preserved on somebody's computer.

My body is not happy.

I’m so giddy; my eyes can't keep up with my head. The doctor thought i had a virus or that my brain might be bleeding. The hospital says I’m concussed and exhausted. My vision is fragmented and it makes me nauseous. I’m tired. My vital organs have organised a protest. It’s rejecting my demands to keep up. My body says, for fuck’s sake, no! I won’t work and no, I don’t want food today. It’s giving up on me. We need a reconciliation

Look at them, staying on top. I stare in admiration.
Hannah's so together. I have already gone to pieces. Now I'm not even looking forward to the summer. Don't give me a break because I'm already broken.

accidental cuts

I bit the inside of my cheek and it hurt and bled. I've been saying for months that my face is getting chubbier and that I really need some sensations, so in some sense it was quite a reassuring occurance.

tummy says gurgle

Last night, as I laid in bed my desperate brain pulsated and my stomach gurgled anxiously. It's so painful. I dreamt of Battenburg.

this is not self-pity

Thought I had it worked out in head and heart somehow, but it's relentlessly confusing and yet I’m still so open. I hate it. I’m like a big exposé but still there are misunderstandings. take me as I am

I'm not original or classic or stunning or perfect or even 'weird' as it has been thoughtlessly suggested... I'm just average and plain. or "too well rounded unfortunately" if I am being self-respected. I’m not kidding myself nor am I complaining.

She's given him eczema because she's so irritating

last night i rinsed some arctic monkeys in the bathroom and the bag of vintage excellence turned up.

I saw katie today and she talked some sense into me and I've decided i have to accept what cannot happen and be glad and in time i'll come to terms with it because i'm a lucky girl. The chase and the desire are often better than the reality so i will stop making the eyes, forget it and go on and so on.

Appalling

Sean called me 'miss attitude.'
Appalling

Adoration beyond comprehension

I was like jam last night. I tried to spread myself between people I adore. I’ve had some misfortunes this week- I think I’ve lost all my vital cards as well as a beautiful bag of clothes. Although I have been bowled over by undeserved gifts and compliments and I cried in the dark because I was so overwhelmed. I don’t play stupid little games. I am genuinely delighted! Why won’t you believe me? I'll make you feel pretty. Maybe you’re right. It is fucking crazy when I’m impulsive and so honest.

We’re just stupid teenagers. Just fucking it up and trying to get back to what we really are.

end of the night

little hah died on me last night. i had to jump start it. crushed.

please don't look at me like that.
you know i love ya, just wanna touch ya.
you're a beautiful git and you know it and that's what i hate and that's why i'll never trust you. I won't. I mustn't.

suburbia

The parents are both away, separately. I took Katie to Stanstead airport. Olivia and Jack are somewhere near Ipswich and I’m home. I bought the paper and another pack of cigarettes from Waitrose in South Woodford. Woodford is where dads fly kites and ladies chat in the supermarkets and repressed teenagers rebel when it’s dark, in the not so beautiful backstreets. Woodford’s where you can walk to school or shops or a park. Where families know each other’s secrets and where friendly neighbours lie and pry. You could almost leave your front door unlocked at night, almost.

i just can't get to you

A pink paper aeroplane says…
What a situation
What a mess
What a distraction

This is all going to blow up in my face. Guaranteed.

delirious

All i can do at the moment is eat and smoke. It's the only thing I'm good at.

i'm fagging it up at my bedroom window, wearing a pink dressing gown over jeans, listening to old skool garage with an insane smile on my face. i've lost my mind

"Jack! fuckin' shattered! may not respond because his energy reserves are low. "
I feel the same. If were a lucozade bar, or a wind turbine. Then I could be constantly replenished and I’d never run out.
"I can't think of anything smart or funny to say so have a magic apple instead." but I can't shut my eyes because it won't go away. I would like a place I can call my own. I can't seem to get enough sleep.

Liv plays around with my heart and tickles it. those eyelashes

these are the finest times

We shot at cans in the kitchen, and cuddled. We danced. We kissed. We smoked. We chatted on the bed. We sat in the bathtub and on the trampette. And later I dreamt about them and they were all so near to me.


cuddle
Originally uploaded by my mind and me.

oh la la hannah

May i corrupt you?

I want to steal your innocence. Let’s start with some lipsing behind the bike shed, then petty crime, then our own drugs cartel.
Green lights.
Don’t mess with me because you know I have a dodgy heart that jumps around when I’m near you. The bike sheds seem like a good place to start.
Oh, your heart is dodgy too so no deep sea scuba diving for us, but there are plenty more fun things we can do instead. (I seem to be a flirtatious lightweight)

“But you might blow his mind.”

Never mind, I think I’d quite like to. Indeed that nursed gin and tonic appears to have surfaced and now I feel bashful. Can we slow dance like 13 year olds? I always wanted to take advantage of you and now I’m feeling free. And you know I’m yours if you want me. There’s so much to learn. I want it all from you when I’m with you and, when I’m not I don’t care about that. Believe me when I say I can give you anything because I’m full of it. I know. But it’s now or never. Please don't be nervous

i've come to expect awkward moments, but there aren't any.
i'd like my summer to be filled with you, i said in our "oasis of reality in a desert of technology"-Thom

doodle

incessant adoration

It's him again. Following me around. Coming on short road trips and sleeping next to me. My adoration is incessant that it’s begun to irritate me. He says, "Did I mention I love you?"
"No," I said, stunned. "I don't believe you did"
He looks and smiles as I'm curled up with my head in my hands 'sleeping'. I tell him he has a cute sleeping face but not that he has a cute awake face too, though he does. Playing it cool? He was lying on the couch and oops I slipped and fell and oops, my arms fell and slipped around him. I want to touch each part. I fondly replay different portions of Saturday night over in my head.

it's just one phase after another

I have profoundly warm feelings towards Hetson J and Hetson T. "I bet you can't wait to go to America," said Hetson T. I'm looking forward to the restaurant doggie bags. I'm going to survive on leftovers. Mostly I feel fine but some people are concerned about my emotional state of mind. I'm just trying to work things out for myself. It's just one phase after another. I said, "I thought I saw you but upon closer inspection it was a random man with an Afro." Hetson T replied "so you've got me on the brain then?" "Seemingly" I said.

"Don't my kisses please you right?" they might say

it was an intense day

i went up to Manchester today-to Salford Uni's open day. The introductory video opened with New Order's 'Regret'-excellent! On the train through Milton Keynes, Macclesfield etc, I saw much affirmative action farming. Cows and sheep together, oh and little lambs that made me laugh out loud to myself (on the way there and back). I liked Manchester and I was very tired when I got home in time for desperate housewives. It's strange not talking to anybody all day. It made me loopy-giggly and smiley

Harsh tongues and then sore egos. Confused scowls at whiney tones.
Nothing that cigarettes and alcohol can’t solve.

had it

I tell Katie I love her because sometimes I fuck up and show off and then it seems that I don’t. I briefly feel incessant jealousy when I am loved-minus one. Often, the ones I adore, love someone else more-plus 1. (I cannot change this. I should be used to second place by now, honestly)

Last night I went out dancing with Katie and Hannah and the relentlessly adorable Olivia. She's something else so she fits in just lovely. Hot, dark and smoky. I was in the zone for a good couple of hours. I felt so comfortable and content with the quartet. I wish I could capture this situation and experience in a bottle but my pessimism makes me think that it was just a fortunate combination of factors, all coming together perfectly at the same time. It cannot be recaptured. I shall just have to remember it well. They are each wonderful in their own way. I like to think I have unique relationships with each of them but I couldn’t discriminate. 'Love will tear us apart.' I should have imported Liv’s Interpol album as she raves and I want to. Mutual appreciation of music is the best kind of sharing.

I have just discovered that I have ten days to choose a university. This is not a decision! Overwhelmed-am i serious about this? This makes me feel sick to my stomach

My Friend Niké

With simply friendly intentions I say "you can come back to mine if you want." Then we are laying there, side-by-side, positive tension. “I have cold feet” I say piercing a moment of awkward silence. I stretch out and fall asleep quite comfortably but I do notice the lack of space on my side of the bed and pretend not to. In the morning I felt I should have apologised for the lack of cuddles. He pretends he’s not disappointed.

i'm sick

I’m sniffly, wheezy and sneezy. All blocked up. But I want to say ‘I love you’ and mean it today. My congestion has me confused. I want to clear it out but I know too well, the pain that will follow. Should I go to bed and see how I feel tomorrow. How does ‘I loved you yesterday,’ sound? I don’t feel right. With a bit of luck, I’ll make a quick recovery.

my party

I threw a PaRtY yesterday and wore a skirt that went 'swish' when I moved. Everyone was lovely. The music was eclectic but delightful and the multiple jellies were devoured. Over estimated a couple of guests. Thought they could handle themselves and was wrong. Always one, or two I suppose. Bit disappointing but, other than that, it was wonderful. Everyone burned out pretty fast, but i was up all night talking. i was a grumpy bitch in the morning-my disappointment had progressed. now sober, i was deeply annoyed.

smashed

i can't remember the last time i had that much fun. i partied until 7am and fell in love with a boy. his soft hair and skin and caramel fingers. his hands on my thighs, his legs wrapped around me as we slept. everytime i woke up i thought "you're still beautiful-excellent!" it was so sweet and simple. perfection. a window to what i could have.

honest, pristine, unoffending, unsullied, pure,
wonderful

i don't love many people, but when i do its deep, rapid and long lasting. undiluted. today i cannot pick the words to describe things extensively enough. i cannot portray this feeling. i'm trying to express it, without letting it go.

reasoning

I sit and stare, cup of coffee in hand, bed hair and pyjamas and I wonder. How has it come to this? Trying to work out the chain of events that somehow resulted in this old situation. It’s troubling how suddenly it happened. Almost too quick to be noticed, and oh so familiar. It might as well have been a dream, or a nightmare-I’m not sure yet. But the evidence in the form of clothes on the floor, prove that it’s reality. Standing still, staring, unsure. Things will map out eventually, I’m sure. Then I’ll know where I am. While I sit and stare, my toes get colder and I realise 3 years went by and I’m older. Wiser? Shake it off, get on with it, things to do, get ready, go out, stop thinking, trying to reason.

party

im thinking about fairy lights, food (jelly), people, drink, drugs and most importantly, music. last night as i fell asleep i thought about inflatable furniture.

how are you?

i sit and listen to songs that will make the hairs on your neck stand on end, songs that you will fall in love with, songs that lift you out of normality and cradle you in cushioned dreams and so much more... and, it almost works

study bug

she calls a spade a spade, got slit from ear to ear says: (9:51:37 pm)
   bonjourno mon ami. how are you?

Anna says: (9:51:45 pm)
   okay, a little crazed

Anna says: (9:52:51 pm)
   i'm sitting in dark with eyes wide and blood shot, folder spread out on my lap, pen in mouth, bent over keyboard, desperately trying to force a Reagan essay out of my fingertips

she calls a spade a spade, got slit from ear to ear says: (9:53:20 pm)
   its not gunna happen.   time for a break or... just pull a sickie

Anna says: (9:58:46 pm)
   sounds like a typical Anna solution

she calls a spade a spade, got slit from ear to ear says: (9:59:15 pm)
   is this scheduled study?

Anna says: (9:59:56 pm)
   .....

>>>>LATER<<<<

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:13:29 pm)
   how is the essay coming along?

Anna says: (10:14:01 pm)
   sorry i was using things you said for a little stupid inspiration

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:14:14 pm)
   feel free. i get that a lot

Anna says: (10:14:37 pm)
   little do you know i am using the pleasure i get from what you say to power little turbines which heat my water

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:14:53 pm)
   wow

you know just what you are says: (10:15:08 pm)
   its very environmentally friendly energy production dont u know?

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:15:09 pm)
   i dont get that a lot!.....

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:16:03 pm)
....so.... not very well then?

A discreet note-I'm jaded

"im sad and lonely... i want to sleep, but im too bored to sleep. thus, i am going to starbucks alone to drink coffee and be sad amongst a collection of books and people. i dont know what else to do with myself baby"

It doesn't explain anything but, I think it makes sense.

this weekend

I was so tired when I was wandering aimlessly around the flat. Eventually, eventually I retired to bed.
I am recollecting this weekend and re-examining it. It’s blurry… it snowed on Friday morning and so Hannah and I went for a walk in the forest where I went as a child. It was pure nostalgia. I remembered the roads, the houses, the contours of the landscape, the pubs and the stables like I’d been there a thousand times over. We ate lunch and there were 2 car crashes on the route home. I babysat in the evening, had a quick pint and went straight to bed at Katie's.

Saturday was nothingness until a pivotal attraction- the type that leaves you unsure about whether you like or hate the person but there is an intriguing spark. In the afternoon, a very brief and somewhat secretive drink with gay friends, and then met some mutual friends for bowling. The rest of the night is being rapidly repressed but it began with stumbling upon an ex boyfriend and chums who still haven’t grown up. They are still 15 years old. I am not.

Sunday I worked at Tottenham Court Road instead of Bond Street and it was rather unpleasant. I spent an hour in Foils (the bookstore) and bought a book I wanted for myself, for my mom. I wasn’t in the mood on Sunday evening. I ate chocolate bars and I was all ‘don’t talk to me, don’t touch me'. Showered and eventually, eventually to bed. I felt quite insignificant on Sunday. It’s not at all unusual. But I’m glad to adore Hannah more than ever.

Frankly...

See, I closed that door behind me. Now I need to do is polish my bruised ego a little. My mind feels so lethargic. It needs some exercise. I always tell myself I will study harder. I rarely push myself; I just lie and cheat my way out. I am an academic slob. I wish this were not the case.

I feel the same way about my dress sense, which is simple and poor. It’s always gap, occasionally remixed with a little H&M or French connection. My sense of style extends to either long-sleeved or short-sleeved, skirt or trousers. How boring and safe. I should take a leaf out of Hannah’s book. She always looks effortlessly awesome and interesting. It’s about time I did something to physically distinguish my unique personal tastes. It is not something that particularly bothers me. Just an observation that I try my best to ignore. I’m a palindrome.

My tastes are changing. I don’t know if it is because I have been repelled from what I usually consider attractive by failure and pain. Perhaps its just natural progression and maturation. Maybe it was all “just a phase!” like everything I ever do…. Right, that’s it! I’m going to study

Make it up, break it up, what do you care?

Today was a complete waste of make-up. Rushed to school to discover the only class was cancelled. Tried to book flight but virgin atlantic 'cannot process your request at this time'. I want to see Olivia. or at least do something productive. On the plus side. The day is still young and... it's
snowing and sunshining at the same time!

i wish i could write like:
"Stay if you wanna love me, stay
Oh don't be shy, let's cause a scene
Like lovers do on silver screens"

No more Mademoiselle Doormat.

Feeling antagonistic. Decided to clean out my room. Most significantly, things that remind me of him like big tacky white teddy bear that says ‘I love you.’ Given to me on a previous Valentine’s Day. It disgusted me at the time but I could see how much he’d tried and so I played grateful. Now its over and done with, it sickens me all the more. I keep it in the top of my cupboard, facing away.
“I don’t want to fall back in love with you” “I just want to be left alone” he said last week. So why when I mention disposing of this foul symbol of affection does he get really offended and hang up? I don’t understand him....Eventually he took it off my hands, except now I'm not sure. Was I too harsh? my mind says: I just want to turn you down. I just want to turn you around
Oh, you ain't never had nothin' I wanted, but...
I want it all
I just can't figure out...

missing persons

I peered from around the living room curtains, waiting for her to come around the street corner. She didn’t come. i decided she’d gone missing and made it my duty to find her. Panicked. Slipped on trainers and big jacket over pyjamas and drove out. Found her sitting in pub lock-in with 37 year old punk, a computer geek, and fat bloke, drinking guinness. I had a couple of drinks. We talked about suburban secrets, immigration and the French until 3am. ‘Sorry I worried you’ she said, ‘I love you for coming to look for me’

what's wrong with me?

you are.
it was just my imagination running away with me.
Ouch! it hurts
Curiousity killed the cat and broke my heart.

implusive impulses

Last night I accidentally fell through a time portal and ended up at 6 months ago. It was lovely and familiar. I knew what to do. Now I’m back and as I got into bed I almost wished I could do it again but I’ve been told that time travel is only a freak occurrence, and I shouldn’t get emotionally attached to the past. Little traces left behind-little hairs and scents. I love it. The floor is sticky from the wine that was knocked over in a moment of ‘passion?’ or carelessness. Either/or

"Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile
His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen"

I know it’s a cliché but sometimes you meet someone who fits like a glove. Now, I’ve tried hand-warmers and mittens and they’re just not the same. I’m scared you’ll miss my great moments but I just won’t settle for such a low offer. You must live in the infinite black that exists when I close my eyes. I see you when I fall asleep, I see you when I dream. Here's the sunrise on monday

tired mekhi tasty vegetable boots

For the last couple of days I’ve been frustratingly exhausted. Tonight I planned a shower and an early night. I was so tired that when I got into the shower, it was several minutes before I realised that I was still wearing my bra. soaked. Despite knowing how sleepy I was, I still stayed awake to watch E.R. I just had to find out whether or not Greg would suffer any long-term brain damage. I think even as a vegetable he’d be tasty. I’ve become exasperated with driving around aimlessly with an old man, listening to what he thinks about the ‘bloody immigrants.’ I bought the most beautiful suede boots. And he didn’t have brain damage.

Tell me something beautiful

My New Year celebrations were disappointing but that is now normality, judging by my current emotional standards. Truth is, it was a disaster. When the clock struck 12 I was in the bathroom. After that it just got more and more surreal and unpleasant. I’ll spare you the rotten details. Me and those dreaming eyes of mine leave me stuck in the gutter. Too good to be true, indeed!
I can’t even get a hot shower these days. I don’t feel quite right. I can’t even communicate properly. I’m stuck and still so bored. Since you’ve been gone.
I didn’t sleep well last night. My dreams were full of junkies and tension and hostility with people I love and a feeling of pointlessness. I'm a rose, but people think that I'm just a flower.
Love me, or leave me but I don’t want to be by myself. Tell me something beautiful. Be beautiful. People are ugly. I’m so bored. Give me sensations and butterflies. Make my fingertips tingle and my heart pound. Make me laugh until it hurts. Let’s do things we want to do, without thinking about the consequences. Put me first. Be my greatest inspiration. Help me to become unstuck... that's all