smashed

i can't remember the last time i had that much fun. i partied until 7am and fell in love with a boy. his soft hair and skin and caramel fingers. his hands on my thighs, his legs wrapped around me as we slept. everytime i woke up i thought "you're still beautiful-excellent!" it was so sweet and simple. perfection. a window to what i could have.

honest, pristine, unoffending, unsullied, pure,
wonderful

i don't love many people, but when i do its deep, rapid and long lasting. undiluted. today i cannot pick the words to describe things extensively enough. i cannot portray this feeling. i'm trying to express it, without letting it go.

reasoning

I sit and stare, cup of coffee in hand, bed hair and pyjamas and I wonder. How has it come to this? Trying to work out the chain of events that somehow resulted in this old situation. It’s troubling how suddenly it happened. Almost too quick to be noticed, and oh so familiar. It might as well have been a dream, or a nightmare-I’m not sure yet. But the evidence in the form of clothes on the floor, prove that it’s reality. Standing still, staring, unsure. Things will map out eventually, I’m sure. Then I’ll know where I am. While I sit and stare, my toes get colder and I realise 3 years went by and I’m older. Wiser? Shake it off, get on with it, things to do, get ready, go out, stop thinking, trying to reason.

party

im thinking about fairy lights, food (jelly), people, drink, drugs and most importantly, music. last night as i fell asleep i thought about inflatable furniture.

how are you?

i sit and listen to songs that will make the hairs on your neck stand on end, songs that you will fall in love with, songs that lift you out of normality and cradle you in cushioned dreams and so much more... and, it almost works

study bug

she calls a spade a spade, got slit from ear to ear says: (9:51:37 pm)
   bonjourno mon ami. how are you?

Anna says: (9:51:45 pm)
   okay, a little crazed

Anna says: (9:52:51 pm)
   i'm sitting in dark with eyes wide and blood shot, folder spread out on my lap, pen in mouth, bent over keyboard, desperately trying to force a Reagan essay out of my fingertips

she calls a spade a spade, got slit from ear to ear says: (9:53:20 pm)
   its not gunna happen.   time for a break or... just pull a sickie

Anna says: (9:58:46 pm)
   sounds like a typical Anna solution

she calls a spade a spade, got slit from ear to ear says: (9:59:15 pm)
   is this scheduled study?

Anna says: (9:59:56 pm)
   .....

>>>>LATER<<<<

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:13:29 pm)
   how is the essay coming along?

Anna says: (10:14:01 pm)
   sorry i was using things you said for a little stupid inspiration

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:14:14 pm)
   feel free. i get that a lot

Anna says: (10:14:37 pm)
   little do you know i am using the pleasure i get from what you say to power little turbines which heat my water

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:14:53 pm)
   wow

you know just what you are says: (10:15:08 pm)
   its very environmentally friendly energy production dont u know?

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:15:09 pm)
   i dont get that a lot!.....

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:16:03 pm)
....so.... not very well then?

A discreet note-I'm jaded

"im sad and lonely... i want to sleep, but im too bored to sleep. thus, i am going to starbucks alone to drink coffee and be sad amongst a collection of books and people. i dont know what else to do with myself baby"

It doesn't explain anything but, I think it makes sense.

this weekend

I was so tired when I was wandering aimlessly around the flat. Eventually, eventually I retired to bed.
I am recollecting this weekend and re-examining it. It’s blurry… it snowed on Friday morning and so Hannah and I went for a walk in the forest where I went as a child. It was pure nostalgia. I remembered the roads, the houses, the contours of the landscape, the pubs and the stables like I’d been there a thousand times over. We ate lunch and there were 2 car crashes on the route home. I babysat in the evening, had a quick pint and went straight to bed at Katie's.

Saturday was nothingness until a pivotal attraction- the type that leaves you unsure about whether you like or hate the person but there is an intriguing spark. In the afternoon, a very brief and somewhat secretive drink with gay friends, and then met some mutual friends for bowling. The rest of the night is being rapidly repressed but it began with stumbling upon an ex boyfriend and chums who still haven’t grown up. They are still 15 years old. I am not.

Sunday I worked at Tottenham Court Road instead of Bond Street and it was rather unpleasant. I spent an hour in Foils (the bookstore) and bought a book I wanted for myself, for my mom. I wasn’t in the mood on Sunday evening. I ate chocolate bars and I was all ‘don’t talk to me, don’t touch me'. Showered and eventually, eventually to bed. I felt quite insignificant on Sunday. It’s not at all unusual. But I’m glad to adore Hannah more than ever.

Frankly...

See, I closed that door behind me. Now I need to do is polish my bruised ego a little. My mind feels so lethargic. It needs some exercise. I always tell myself I will study harder. I rarely push myself; I just lie and cheat my way out. I am an academic slob. I wish this were not the case.

I feel the same way about my dress sense, which is simple and poor. It’s always gap, occasionally remixed with a little H&M or French connection. My sense of style extends to either long-sleeved or short-sleeved, skirt or trousers. How boring and safe. I should take a leaf out of Hannah’s book. She always looks effortlessly awesome and interesting. It’s about time I did something to physically distinguish my unique personal tastes. It is not something that particularly bothers me. Just an observation that I try my best to ignore. I’m a palindrome.

My tastes are changing. I don’t know if it is because I have been repelled from what I usually consider attractive by failure and pain. Perhaps its just natural progression and maturation. Maybe it was all “just a phase!” like everything I ever do…. Right, that’s it! I’m going to study