...

2007-04-07T10:08:00.001Z

Today I am washed up and scared of tomorrow.

2007-03-05T00:27:00.000Z

You were right about pretty boys, so now I'm listening to Mogwai and writing hateful letters to decorate my desk. Complicated confusions. Today I went to a temple to restore my faith. My atheism and my being out of place was reaffirmed. Thoughts of London and drunken ramblings-Joel's innate love of Scotland saves me a lot of groundwork but he is lazy and dreamphone won't play itself. Still, Jordan is coming and it's just what the doctor ordered. I've just washed my bed sheets and I have a freshly born baby plug-in. Here it's all ups and downs and never ending grey skies. There, the odds and ends will reconvene and we'll get smashed, talk crap and fill in the blanks. Dream about the boys who weren't very nice to us there and who made excuses-just about the only part we don't fall for. Bread makes my stomach swell. My body is hard and I have holes in all my tights

2007-01-22T02:24:00.000Z

When I can't sleep, I've lit a cheap candle. The night after saying "but at least I don't suffer with insomnia," but ticks and flashes jog me awake. Then I indulge in more pointless thought and fantasise about conversations that will never happen when I'm awake at night smoking cigarettes because I don't know what else to do.

2007-01-17T18:35:00.000Z

Last night it snowed a wee bit. Chris cooked and marvelled. He's never seen snow before, or people like us either I suppose. Today I took fruit past the door step, into the bedroom and into sickly mouths. Last night, laid in my hard uncomforting bed, exhausted, I realised that moving sensation feeling which I've for felt months before but have never quite grasped and I put my finger right on it. I felt relieved to achieve it but disappointed at what it actually was. Moving on, keeping busy, nursing? Not reading. So tierd I couldn't spell tired. All the answers to the awful past but hopefully passed exam popped up when I was in bed last night.

2007-01-13T13:56:00.000Z

Glasgow is perfectly beautiful today, almost warmingly so. Pristine and gleaming.
All the sensitive creatures queue waiting and wondering why I'm pleased and scribbling and sometimes, after a momentary glance, how it happened.

2007-01-07T11:34:00.001Z

ooooh. He bought pink scented loo roll. What is wrong with him? Off with his head

this is incoherent

2007-01-05T15:33:00.000Z

"well, make sure you don't look like a dyke" sound advice. erm, not that you'll care because I make you feel like appearance doesn't matter, right? reassurance, something. and me, I'm thinking, when does your flight get in? Maybe we can go back to the mountain together while I ask you all about your break and your dog because I think that's something you will to talk to me about. Couldn't give a... And meanwhile, I'll go slowly and privately berserk 'cause that's how it goes. I'll probably casually wait for your flight to get in because mines delayed about 30 whole convenient minutes. A misplaced banana skin on the runway would sort this out once and forall. Shut up.

2006-11-14T16:09:00.000Z

Anna says:
so much love
Voice of authority and reason says:
so much drugs more like
Anna says:
no, it's more that it's just everyone together in the same boat and it just gives people real affinity for one and other
Anna says:
and you all turn to each other for company, chat, dance, support, help and food and tea and biscuits and cuddles and comfort
Anna says:
and it's amazing because they want it from you too and they are all lovely and interesting and understanding and entertaining and you want to share everything
Anna says:
hah! sorry i'm chatting shit again aren't i?
Voice of authority and reason says:
Yes, but you can't help it
Anna says:
sorry. but still, it's true

6am

2006-10-29T00:23:00.000Z

Yes I'm awake. What are you doing? I'm fucketed, oh dear and 24 times more likely to break your heart.

2006-10-25T23:31:00.000Z

Have you disappeared off the face of the earth? they ask.

Yes, I'm afraid I finally fell off on Tuesday and I'm wallowing in gloomy space, it's a comfortless place but it's nice to know I'm missed on earth.
I might come back tomorrow. Maybe we could have lunch together? I ask

2006-10-14T19:06:00.000Z

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buckfast_Tonic_Wine

"It's gold"

Who gives a shit about Snow Patrol?

2006-10-12T16:31:00.000Z

"I'd love to have a tree house, tree houses are ace," Last night I won a Scotland calendar but today was glorious. I felt good despite spending £100 on books and clothes. When I got to his house he was writhing in bed, clawing the walls because of his hangover. Stig makes me feel calm and relaxed and that's important. He thinks it's okay and that most people would agree he is an oxymoron. And black wiry hair on pale boyish skin. He perfectly articulated everything I think and feel about White Heat and other things. He said the last year of my life in a few lines. And we talked about it, in relation to Glasgow's equivalent 'Optimo wreckheads.' He described the sincerity of Glasgow. He was wearing a knitted jumped that he only wears when he's feeling sorry for himself. Lick his face.

2006-10-05T17:09:00.000Z

When I got to Stig's dump his spindly fingers were tuning the harp.
Days later I was going to leave blueberries on his doorstep until the jai alai savant-'scarlett johansen why don't you love me?' came into my brain through my headphones and put me back in my place. But I had to play it over again a few times until I got home safely.

2006-09-25T03:46:00.000Z

The swans, I killed them with kindness. As people often do

2006-09-07T13:40:00.000Z

i've got to go and feed the ducks now they are hungry too. Maybe I'll come and feed you later. I will throw bread into your mouth and the surrounding areas. When I say feed the ducks I mean feed the swans. I make a point not to feed the geese because they are very aggressive and last time they were intimidating Olivia and she had to seek refuge by standing on a bench yeah they kept saying things about her mum and that, but the swans are so elegant they can have the entire loaf as far as im concerned. Ducks don't really come into it.

2006-08-21T14:14:00.000Z

fuck off, don't go

what time of day is this?

2006-08-07T09:29:00.000Z

Man says: so, what time are you going back to bed or are you joining the rest of the nation and staying awake through the daytime?
girl says: I'm going back to sleep after breakfast. are you working hard?
Man says: not really, I am thought clouding
girl says: whats that?
Man says: its the PC way to say brain storming, apparently it's offensive to epileptics
girl says: you've got to be kidding me, thats hilarious
Man says: no, my boss is an epileptic and he told us.
girl says: Last night I had lots of vivid yet peculiar dreams. One involved my dad ranting about an experience at a greeting cards shop which had really irritated him. Instead of getting "Inside blank, write your own message" cards, he'd accidently purchased "blank, create your own design" so they were blank both inside and out and he was moaning about how he couldn't possibly draw the kind of picture he wanted (a window view of the Essex countryside) on a greetings card and about how it was the shop's fault for stocking such a pointless item.
Man says: How strange, we both had dreams that involved greeting cards
girl says: today is wet
Man says: pardon?
girl says: outside, and there's a street cleaning mobile going up my road. Mornings are fucking strange
Man says: is this a first for you?
girl says: no but it's always weird when you haven't done one for a while
Man says: you're such a student, and you are not even at uni yet
girl says: i'm just a lazy useless waste, you mean
Man says: kinda, didnt want to insult you this early though, it could have a detrimental efffect on you
girl says: yes, I probably would have burst into tears. I'm going to have pancakes for breakfast.

2006-06-23T12:20:00.000Z

katie used to grow boys en berries in her garden

2006-04-16T14:54:00.000Z

It's good that we can drown out their self pitying complaints with our laughter. We've all had such a lovely time. Last night was amazing. It's great to see you. What have you been up to? Plans?

2006-02-08T01:41:00.000Z

I'm rubbish at washing up. My hearts not in it.

2006-01-11T18:41:00.000Z

Babies, bath tubs and marriages

2005-11-25T10:17:00.000Z

I rolled around on the floor for a while. And we did paintings. I painted on a photocopy of my hand that i'd made in the office earlier in the week. i've put all our paintings on the kitchen wall. They are of varying abilities. Mine's pretty lame but I don't care. Katie's is good and the others are shapely.

flying

2005-11-16T18:20:00.000Z

I trapped her little fingers in between a cupboard hinge and she screamed and cried and I thought her little fingers might be broken, they turned so white. I freaked out and I thought what the hell am I doing here?! What am I doing? This is such a façade. But her fingers weren't broken and she stopped crying but I was still bitter. I was so relieved to be walking away from the house and I walked as fast as my feet could.
Katie's in Half Moon bay, on the beach. When I got home I finished my left over quesadilla from last night. I cleaned the dust from our expresso maker and did the washing up and cleaned the bathroom and sorted the recycle and then decided to nap. I drowned in my duvet.
Last night we went flying over the city at night. I flew the plane over the Bay bridge and the Golden Gate bridge and then low over downtown San Francisco and over the Rolling Stones concert and then over San Francisco International and I listened to a British Airways pilot making his request for take off. He took off beneath me. Highway 101 snaked and the full moon lit the bay. I cannot quite comprehend it.

2005-11-09T07:07:00.000Z

she walked past me in the living room and stroked her fingers through my hair and I was a baby so I wanted her arms around me.

2005-10-25T11:21:00.000Z

It's wonderful and a tear trickled down my neck

long night time drives get you nowhere

2005-10-15T10:34:00.000Z

I drove to the city to to get lost. I was lost before I got there. I probably went round and round in squares.

i see deer all the time now

2005-10-05T13:55:00.000Z

Last night I couldn't talk. I drank maple syrup from the bottle. Jazzi stroked the back of my neck and I laid all over her. Katie made waffles. I twitched on the couch between 3 people. At 12.20 they went to in-n-out burger and I asked Katie if I could get in bed with her. The morning sunlight blinds me awake in my room. I slept til midday woke up, did the washing up. From the corner of my eye I saw a brown cushion on the chair and I wished it was a cat but it's just an ugly cushion.

Bands I saw this summer:

2005-10-05T12:23:00.000Z

Tempo Shark,
The Rakes,
The Rotters,
The Objects,
The Long Blondes,
Ex Models,
Test-icicles,
Arcade Fire,
Be Your Own Pet,
Arctic Monkeys,
Clor,
The Kills,
The Noisettes,
Foo Fighters,
Razorlight,
Kings Of Leon,
Mystery Jets,
Bloc Party,
The Go! Team,
Vincent Vincent and the Villains,
Cheena,
The Cribs,
Berrick,
Farfall,
The Raveonettes,
Babyshambles,
Comonechi,
Pipettes,
The Research
Yeti,
Black Wire,
Twisted Charm,
Youth Movie Soundtrack Strategies,
Kaito,
New Rhodes,
Hot Hot Heat,
The Bishops,
Young Knives
Magnet,
The Blood Arm,
The Horrors
Les Incompetents,
Louie,
Battles,
Ludes,

memories of some bands are sharper than others. She's in pretty much every one. Thank You for these times. Thanks for being there with me. Thank You for the dancing and the drinking and the chit chat and the travelling to and from. Thank You for the lollypops and outfit suprises and the laughs and the energy you spent on me. You're so hardcore

2005-09-29T11:06:00.000Z

The sun shines everyday but I look the wrong way when I cross the road.

hot hot summer-this is the end.

2005-09-23T04:58:00.000Z

--> In bed throwing filthy dirty moves. Worshipping at the altar. The musical altar that is. Physical activities involves dancing and walking to and from. The best action I've ever had. Something pretty (but) interesting. Balloon fun you never grow out of. Indie meat markets. Infested with nons. It’s never the most obvious songs. Scanning the queue for safe ones. Ones we'd keep. Also when we dance we see eye to eye. Be my Polly pocket. So teeny weenie I could fold her up and put her in my purse and unfold her when I need a little thrill. They know not what they execute and I know not how much I create in my head. Oh and he might just be a keeper but in some other sense he makes me unwind oh yeah he makes me go out for the fifth night in a row. Lend me some money and some sleep. Keep going for the love of it. Oh how prepossessing it feels. Every minute detail joins and seals the beautiful fabric they inadvertently created. They know not what they do to me and I'll worship that and be thankful for that so long as I can. All the smiles and empty gazes. I watch the boys placing words in each others ears. One delicately sweeps his hair from his sullen face. The other looks dazedly unconcerned. I'd sneakily watch them from the corner of my big swollen eyes in suspense for the next treat. Will I ever know if Kat deserves a license to DJ? Nazi couples. Two-pound mixers. Dolled up monsters and we met on the dance floor again. The musical lubrication makes me slip and slide and talk and smile as I did. The accelerating songs cause spasms in my spine until the words are in my eyes and the music's in my mouth. Some days the music lubricates our every move. I think it’s the cohesive force and it's in between our fingers and it's sealed into the cracks on the 7" records and its folded in the creases in the flyers. It's such a curiously consuming construct.

2005-09-22T20:55:00.000Z

Gigs don't taste the same without cigarettes so I smoked anyway! It's illegal now that I live on Hill St. I went to the Haight today and i drank root beer. I want to eat everything. I'm trying to digest it all.

2005-09-21T03:24:00.000Z

Today was the longest day. I ate breakfast twice, then I ate lunch and then dinner. Then I ate lunch again and dinner again.
I've been awake for 28 hours.

I forgot to pick up the Um Bongo

scratch my name out

2005-09-19T14:33:00.000Z

This morning I got out of bed and was sick in the kitchen sink.
Later,
I took my old clothes to a charity shop, got some dollars and then I bought a 12 pack of Um Bongo to drink on the plane tomorrow.

2005-09-14T17:52:00.000Z

I fell in love at w.h.o.r.e.fest. -->

2005-09-13T15:16:00.000Z

159 hours until take off

2005-09-07T17:05:00.000Z

You were running late for work so you didn't change your shirt and the evening's drinks left a lingering taste in your mouth. When you left I was fast asleep, tangled in the sheets and on the bus you could have sworn it was all a dream that didn't happen to you.

Inside your head were things I never thought about.

trampling on the perimeters

2005-09-02T09:43:00.000Z

My body clock is all messy. Absolute hedonism.
Be my Polly Pocket and I'll take you with me

The Arcade Fire blow my brains
but carefully put it back together afterwards
and then it's like they were never there to start with.

Tomorrow I'm going to Poitiers for a few days off.

I Am The World's

2005-08-27T14:01:00.001Z

I'm leaving for Leeds with very mixed feelings. The only thing I'm sure about is the music I want to hear/see/die to.

but i work in a pub

2005-08-19T14:52:00.000Z

Last night I thought I'd met my food soul mate, but then he told me he liked olives. I'm covered in gnat bites but it was worth it for the boom smoking spot. When he challenged my song choices I picked better ones. I liked the competition.
The sounds and scents were Cut Copy and Joop. My eyes roll around in my head and my spinal fluid is drained but I love every moment. When I close my eyes I'm there with Liv.

Hoping the paucity of preparation for moving across the world won't be a problem.

2005-08-10T13:59:00.000Z

I was bitten by the beats and still, I'm just buzzing from the atmospheric memories. It's all about the music and the being seen. For me, it's all about the music and the looking. ♥

2005-08-02T16:40:00.000Z

I fantasize about swimming before breakfast.
I fantasize about polishing away the dirty habits and
I dream about the right person not being in the wrong place, at the wrong time

being blithe

2005-07-22T12:36:00.000Z

We’re flying down the A401 lit only by the headlights of the car and the moon. I think we're in the middle of nowhere and I’m thinking it wouldn't matter if we broke down now because we'd be together. She laughs that she can see "fuck all" in her rear-view mirror. She shouts to me about shipping her belongings over the beating wind from the window I have open. I’m her drunken curled up smoking passenger. She talks about the hypocrisy of the Vatican. We hit the M25 and then its reassuringly bright orange. I spark her up and I point out the speed cameras and we're heading home but I realise there is nothing here for me anymore. I’m more at content in the middle of nowhere with her.

glitter traces on worn out faces

2005-07-20T12:45:00.000Z

hannahannaandy
Originally uploaded by my mind and me.

oh but when it was dark and i was drunk i didnt notice the state of things. i was quite content.

worst hangover yet

2005-07-16T16:14:00.001Z

It's just as easy to be good, as it is to efface any goodness. Blink it all away. I once knew this criminal and all I wanted to do was tell them how bad they had been, but I knew that they're only defence would be to remind me that I too am crooked. So I find I have nothing to say to that criminal and almost nothing to say for myself. Nothing means anything. I think it doesn't count. It's spilling over but reaching for a new something, grasping but slipping. Got to leave a spillage behind. Making my victims. I've got to get out of here. I don't know what the hell I’m doing now.
I laid on the shed roof and looked at the blue nothing and I was tired of it. so fell asleep, woke up, puked, trying to get it all out of my system.

some summer

2005-07-05T12:33:00.000Z

I’m gathering the scraps of paper, flashcards, receipts and travel cards with all the scribbled brief thoughts and they don't fit together. Where do I start?
There was one night where I lost my remote control over what I was doing. He said "maybe you should think about this in the morning" but I wanted to listen to talk or listen to my ipod but it was making too much noise. Though my breathing was louder it was still "a bit selfish". Then tugging on my underwear. What’s selfish? The next morning I tiptoed around but I pressed close on the lift and the doors knocked his keys out of his hands and I watched them fall and slip down the shaft. He couldn't understand why I was crying. He says I should keep thoughts like "I should have just left last night" to myself.

Other allegories are more messy and sore than this. But would involve worn out heels and getting dressed in the dark. Bloodshot stains on my thighs that have faded now. They involve the sickening disappointment at realising the truly superficial nature of elusive characters I was once infatuated with. I’m so indecisive these days. But my vision's back to normal and I can see more clearly than I could weeks ago.

Moving to America has been dwarfed by the fact that my family is dispersing also. I’ll have no home to return to. I’m lost in my living room.

oh such a tragic tale

2005-06-23T10:27:00.000Z

One day when I was deluded I wrote a letter. It was a very ingratiating letter. Now I think of the words I wanted to say but I couldn't spit out, and I hate them. I wish I could tear and rip that letter up but it's inaccessible. Grossly preserved on somebody's computer.

My body is not happy.

2005-06-22T10:45:00.000Z

I’m so giddy; my eyes can't keep up with my head. The doctor thought i had a virus or that my brain might be bleeding. The hospital says I’m concussed and exhausted. My vision is fragmented and it makes me nauseous. I’m tired. My vital organs have organised a protest. It’s rejecting my demands to keep up. My body says, for fuck’s sake, no! I won’t work and no, I don’t want food today. It’s giving up on me. We need a reconciliation

2005-06-20T19:16:00.000Z

Look at them, staying on top. I stare in admiration.
Hannah's so together. I have already gone to pieces. Now I'm not even looking forward to the summer. Don't give me a break because I'm already broken.

accidental cuts

2005-06-18T13:58:00.000Z

I bit the inside of my cheek and it hurt and bled. I've been saying for months that my face is getting chubbier and that I really need some sensations, so in some sense it was quite a reassuring occurance.

tummy says gurgle

2005-06-14T12:25:00.000Z

Last night, as I laid in bed my desperate brain pulsated and my stomach gurgled anxiously. It's so painful. I dreamt of Battenburg.

this is not self-pity

2005-06-10T23:25:00.000Z

Thought I had it worked out in head and heart somehow, but it's relentlessly confusing and yet I’m still so open. I hate it. I’m like a big exposé but still there are misunderstandings. take me as I am

I'm not original or classic or stunning or perfect or even 'weird' as it has been thoughtlessly suggested... I'm just average and plain. or "too well rounded unfortunately" if I am being self-respected. I’m not kidding myself nor am I complaining.

2005-06-06T11:04:00.000Z

She's given him eczema because she's so irritating

last night i rinsed some arctic monkeys in the bathroom and the bag of vintage excellence turned up.

I saw katie today and she talked some sense into me and I've decided i have to accept what cannot happen and be glad and in time i'll come to terms with it because i'm a lucky girl. The chase and the desire are often better than the reality so i will stop making the eyes, forget it and go on and so on.

Appalling

2005-06-04T13:48:00.000Z

Sean called me 'miss attitude.'
Appalling

Adoration beyond comprehension

2005-06-04T12:14:00.000Z

I was like jam last night. I tried to spread myself between people I adore. I’ve had some misfortunes this week- I think I’ve lost all my vital cards as well as a beautiful bag of clothes. Although I have been bowled over by undeserved gifts and compliments and I cried in the dark because I was so overwhelmed. I don’t play stupid little games. I am genuinely delighted! Why won’t you believe me? I'll make you feel pretty. Maybe you’re right. It is fucking crazy when I’m impulsive and so honest.

We’re just stupid teenagers. Just fucking it up and trying to get back to what we really are.

end of the night

2005-06-02T10:27:00.000Z

little hah died on me last night. i had to jump start it. crushed.

2005-05-30T18:02:00.000Z

please don't look at me like that.
you know i love ya, just wanna touch ya.
you're a beautiful git and you know it and that's what i hate and that's why i'll never trust you. I won't. I mustn't.

suburbia

2005-05-28T14:03:00.000Z

The parents are both away, separately. I took Katie to Stanstead airport. Olivia and Jack are somewhere near Ipswich and I’m home. I bought the paper and another pack of cigarettes from Waitrose in South Woodford. Woodford is where dads fly kites and ladies chat in the supermarkets and repressed teenagers rebel when it’s dark, in the not so beautiful backstreets. Woodford’s where you can walk to school or shops or a park. Where families know each other’s secrets and where friendly neighbours lie and pry. You could almost leave your front door unlocked at night, almost.

i just can't get to you

2005-05-25T19:10:00.000Z

A pink paper aeroplane says…
What a situation
What a mess
What a distraction

This is all going to blow up in my face. Guaranteed.

delirious

2005-05-22T19:45:00.000Z

All i can do at the moment is eat and smoke. It's the only thing I'm good at.

i'm fagging it up at my bedroom window, wearing a pink dressing gown over jeans, listening to old skool garage with an insane smile on my face. i've lost my mind

2005-05-18T16:01:00.000Z

"Jack! fuckin' shattered! may not respond because his energy reserves are low. "
I feel the same. If were a lucozade bar, or a wind turbine. Then I could be constantly replenished and I’d never run out.
"I can't think of anything smart or funny to say so have a magic apple instead." but I can't shut my eyes because it won't go away. I would like a place I can call my own. I can't seem to get enough sleep.

2005-05-17T11:16:00.000Z

Liv plays around with my heart and tickles it. those eyelashes

these are the finest times

2005-05-15T20:47:00.000Z

We shot at cans in the kitchen, and cuddled. We danced. We kissed. We smoked. We chatted on the bed. We sat in the bathtub and on the trampette. And later I dreamt about them and they were all so near to me.

cuddle
Originally uploaded by my mind and me.

oh la la hannah

May i corrupt you?

2005-05-10T08:47:00.000Z

I want to steal your innocence. Let’s start with some lipsing behind the bike shed, then petty crime, then our own drugs cartel.
Green lights.
Don’t mess with me because you know I have a dodgy heart that jumps around when I’m near you. The bike sheds seem like a good place to start.
Oh, your heart is dodgy too so no deep sea scuba diving for us, but there are plenty more fun things we can do instead. (I seem to be a flirtatious lightweight)

“But you might blow his mind.”

Never mind, I think I’d quite like to. Indeed that nursed gin and tonic appears to have surfaced and now I feel bashful. Can we slow dance like 13 year olds? I always wanted to take advantage of you and now I’m feeling free. And you know I’m yours if you want me. There’s so much to learn. I want it all from you when I’m with you and, when I’m not I don’t care about that. Believe me when I say I can give you anything because I’m full of it. I know. But it’s now or never. Please don't be nervous

2005-05-08T20:51:00.000Z

i've come to expect awkward moments, but there aren't any.
i'd like my summer to be filled with you, i said in our "oasis of reality in a desert of technology"-Thom

2005-05-05T11:22:00.000Z

doodle

incessant adoration

2005-05-04T19:25:00.000Z

It's him again. Following me around. Coming on short road trips and sleeping next to me. My adoration is incessant that it’s begun to irritate me. He says, "Did I mention I love you?"
"No," I said, stunned. "I don't believe you did"
He looks and smiles as I'm curled up with my head in my hands 'sleeping'. I tell him he has a cute sleeping face but not that he has a cute awake face too, though he does. Playing it cool? He was lying on the couch and oops I slipped and fell and oops, my arms fell and slipped around him. I want to touch each part. I fondly replay different portions of Saturday night over in my head.

it's just one phase after another

2005-04-28T23:14:00.000Z

I have profoundly warm feelings towards Hetson J and Hetson T. "I bet you can't wait to go to America," said Hetson T. I'm looking forward to the restaurant doggie bags. I'm going to survive on leftovers. Mostly I feel fine but some people are concerned about my emotional state of mind. I'm just trying to work things out for myself. It's just one phase after another. I said, "I thought I saw you but upon closer inspection it was a random man with an Afro." Hetson T replied "so you've got me on the brain then?" "Seemingly" I said.

2005-04-22T03:03:00.000Z

"Don't my kisses please you right?" they might say

it was an intense day

2005-04-20T23:16:00.000Z

i went up to Manchester today-to Salford Uni's open day. The introductory video opened with New Order's 'Regret'-excellent! On the train through Milton Keynes, Macclesfield etc, I saw much affirmative action farming. Cows and sheep together, oh and little lambs that made me laugh out loud to myself (on the way there and back). I liked Manchester and I was very tired when I got home in time for desperate housewives. It's strange not talking to anybody all day. It made me loopy-giggly and smiley

2005-04-19T10:19:00.000Z

Harsh tongues and then sore egos. Confused scowls at whiney tones.
Nothing that cigarettes and alcohol can’t solve.

had it

2005-04-16T14:56:00.000Z

I tell Katie I love her because sometimes I fuck up and show off and then it seems that I don’t. I briefly feel incessant jealousy when I am loved-minus one. Often, the ones I adore, love someone else more-plus 1. (I cannot change this. I should be used to second place by now, honestly)

Last night I went out dancing with Katie and Hannah and the relentlessly adorable Olivia. She's something else so she fits in just lovely. Hot, dark and smoky. I was in the zone for a good couple of hours. I felt so comfortable and content with the quartet. I wish I could capture this situation and experience in a bottle but my pessimism makes me think that it was just a fortunate combination of factors, all coming together perfectly at the same time. It cannot be recaptured. I shall just have to remember it well. They are each wonderful in their own way. I like to think I have unique relationships with each of them but I couldn’t discriminate. 'Love will tear us apart.' I should have imported Liv’s Interpol album as she raves and I want to. Mutual appreciation of music is the best kind of sharing.

I have just discovered that I have ten days to choose a university. This is not a decision! Overwhelmed-am i serious about this? This makes me feel sick to my stomach

My Friend Niké

2005-04-15T14:52:00.000Z

With simply friendly intentions I say "you can come back to mine if you want." Then we are laying there, side-by-side, positive tension. “I have cold feet” I say piercing a moment of awkward silence. I stretch out and fall asleep quite comfortably but I do notice the lack of space on my side of the bed and pretend not to. In the morning I felt I should have apologised for the lack of cuddles. He pretends he’s not disappointed.

i'm sick

2005-04-04T23:54:00.000Z

I’m sniffly, wheezy and sneezy. All blocked up. But I want to say ‘I love you’ and mean it today. My congestion has me confused. I want to clear it out but I know too well, the pain that will follow. Should I go to bed and see how I feel tomorrow. How does ‘I loved you yesterday,’ sound? I don’t feel right. With a bit of luck, I’ll make a quick recovery.

my party

2005-04-03T19:25:00.000Z

I threw a PaRtY yesterday and wore a skirt that went 'swish' when I moved. Everyone was lovely. The music was eclectic but delightful and the multiple jellies were devoured. Over estimated a couple of guests. Thought they could handle themselves and was wrong. Always one, or two I suppose. Bit disappointing but, other than that, it was wonderful. Everyone burned out pretty fast, but i was up all night talking. i was a grumpy bitch in the morning-my disappointment had progressed. now sober, i was deeply annoyed.

smashed

2005-03-27T16:19:00.000Z

i can't remember the last time i had that much fun. i partied until 7am and fell in love with a boy. his soft hair and skin and caramel fingers. his hands on my thighs, his legs wrapped around me as we slept. everytime i woke up i thought "you're still beautiful-excellent!" it was so sweet and simple. perfection. a window to what i could have.

honest, pristine, unoffending, unsullied, pure,
wonderful

i don't love many people, but when i do its deep, rapid and long lasting. undiluted. today i cannot pick the words to describe things extensively enough. i cannot portray this feeling. i'm trying to express it, without letting it go.

reasoning

2005-03-24T14:06:00.000Z

I sit and stare, cup of coffee in hand, bed hair and pyjamas and I wonder. How has it come to this? Trying to work out the chain of events that somehow resulted in this old situation. It’s troubling how suddenly it happened. Almost too quick to be noticed, and oh so familiar. It might as well have been a dream, or a nightmare-I’m not sure yet. But the evidence in the form of clothes on the floor, prove that it’s reality. Standing still, staring, unsure. Things will map out eventually, I’m sure. Then I’ll know where I am. While I sit and stare, my toes get colder and I realise 3 years went by and I’m older. Wiser? Shake it off, get on with it, things to do, get ready, go out, stop thinking, trying to reason.

party

2005-03-21T11:57:00.000Z

im thinking about fairy lights, food (jelly), people, drink, drugs and most importantly, music. last night as i fell asleep i thought about inflatable furniture.

how are you?

2005-03-15T19:54:00.000Z

i sit and listen to songs that will make the hairs on your neck stand on end, songs that you will fall in love with, songs that lift you out of normality and cradle you in cushioned dreams and so much more... and, it almost works

study bug

2005-03-13T22:08:00.000Z

she calls a spade a spade, got slit from ear to ear says: (9:51:37 pm)
   bonjourno mon ami. how are you?

Anna says: (9:51:45 pm)
   okay, a little crazed

Anna says: (9:52:51 pm)
   i'm sitting in dark with eyes wide and blood shot, folder spread out on my lap, pen in mouth, bent over keyboard, desperately trying to force a Reagan essay out of my fingertips

she calls a spade a spade, got slit from ear to ear says: (9:53:20 pm)
   its not gunna happen.   time for a break or... just pull a sickie

Anna says: (9:58:46 pm)
   sounds like a typical Anna solution

she calls a spade a spade, got slit from ear to ear says: (9:59:15 pm)
   is this scheduled study?

Anna says: (9:59:56 pm)
   .....

>>>>LATER<<<<

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:13:29 pm)
   how is the essay coming along?

Anna says: (10:14:01 pm)
   sorry i was using things you said for a little stupid inspiration

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:14:14 pm)
   feel free. i get that a lot

Anna says: (10:14:37 pm)
   little do you know i am using the pleasure i get from what you say to power little turbines which heat my water

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:14:53 pm)
   wow

you know just what you are says: (10:15:08 pm)
   its very environmentally friendly energy production dont u know?

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:15:09 pm)
   i dont get that a lot!.....

i didnt mind, i was a money man anyway says: (10:16:03 pm)
....so.... not very well then?

A discreet note-I'm jaded

2005-03-08T18:57:00.000Z

"im sad and lonely... i want to sleep, but im too bored to sleep. thus, i am going to starbucks alone to drink coffee and be sad amongst a collection of books and people. i dont know what else to do with myself baby"

It doesn't explain anything but, I think it makes sense.

this weekend

2005-03-07T12:10:00.000Z

I was so tired when I was wandering aimlessly around the flat. Eventually, eventually I retired to bed.
I am recollecting this weekend and re-examining it. It’s blurry… it snowed on Friday morning and so Hannah and I went for a walk in the forest where I went as a child. It was pure nostalgia. I remembered the roads, the houses, the contours of the landscape, the pubs and the stables like I’d been there a thousand times over. We ate lunch and there were 2 car crashes on the route home. I babysat in the evening, had a quick pint and went straight to bed at Katie's.

Saturday was nothingness until a pivotal attraction- the type that leaves you unsure about whether you like or hate the person but there is an intriguing spark. In the afternoon, a very brief and somewhat secretive drink with gay friends, and then met some mutual friends for bowling. The rest of the night is being rapidly repressed but it began with stumbling upon an ex boyfriend and chums who still haven’t grown up. They are still 15 years old. I am not.

Sunday I worked at Tottenham Court Road instead of Bond Street and it was rather unpleasant. I spent an hour in Foils (the bookstore) and bought a book I wanted for myself, for my mom. I wasn’t in the mood on Sunday evening. I ate chocolate bars and I was all ‘don’t talk to me, don’t touch me'. Showered and eventually, eventually to bed. I felt quite insignificant on Sunday. It’s not at all unusual. But I’m glad to adore Hannah more than ever.

Frankly...

2005-03-02T16:48:00.000Z

See, I closed that door behind me. Now I need to do is polish my bruised ego a little. My mind feels so lethargic. It needs some exercise. I always tell myself I will study harder. I rarely push myself; I just lie and cheat my way out. I am an academic slob. I wish this were not the case.

I feel the same way about my dress sense, which is simple and poor. It’s always gap, occasionally remixed with a little H&M or French connection. My sense of style extends to either long-sleeved or short-sleeved, skirt or trousers. How boring and safe. I should take a leaf out of Hannah’s book. She always looks effortlessly awesome and interesting. It’s about time I did something to physically distinguish my unique personal tastes. It is not something that particularly bothers me. Just an observation that I try my best to ignore. I’m a palindrome.

My tastes are changing. I don’t know if it is because I have been repelled from what I usually consider attractive by failure and pain. Perhaps its just natural progression and maturation. Maybe it was all “just a phase!” like everything I ever do…. Right, that’s it! I’m going to study

Make it up, break it up, what do you care?

2005-02-21T14:18:00.000Z

Today was a complete waste of make-up. Rushed to school to discover the only class was cancelled. Tried to book flight but virgin atlantic 'cannot process your request at this time'. I want to see Olivia. or at least do something productive. On the plus side. The day is still young and... it's
snowing and sunshining at the same time!

i wish i could write like:
"Stay if you wanna love me, stay
Oh don't be shy, let's cause a scene
Like lovers do on silver screens"

No more Mademoiselle Doormat.

2005-02-14T15:31:00.000Z

Feeling antagonistic. Decided to clean out my room. Most significantly, things that remind me of him like big tacky white teddy bear that says ‘I love you.’ Given to me on a previous Valentine’s Day. It disgusted me at the time but I could see how much he’d tried and so I played grateful. Now its over and done with, it sickens me all the more. I keep it in the top of my cupboard, facing away.
“I don’t want to fall back in love with you” “I just want to be left alone” he said last week. So why when I mention disposing of this foul symbol of affection does he get really offended and hang up? I don’t understand him....Eventually he took it off my hands, except now I'm not sure. Was I too harsh? my mind says: I just want to turn you down. I just want to turn you around
Oh, you ain't never had nothin' I wanted, but...
I want it all
I just can't figure out...

missing persons

2005-02-03T13:45:00.000Z

I peered from around the living room curtains, waiting for her to come around the street corner. She didn’t come. i decided she’d gone missing and made it my duty to find her. Panicked. Slipped on trainers and big jacket over pyjamas and drove out. Found her sitting in pub lock-in with 37 year old punk, a computer geek, and fat bloke, drinking guinness. I had a couple of drinks. We talked about suburban secrets, immigration and the French until 3am. ‘Sorry I worried you’ she said, ‘I love you for coming to look for me’

what's wrong with me?

2005-01-22T16:36:00.000Z

you are.
it was just my imagination running away with me.
Ouch! it hurts
Curiousity killed the cat and broke my heart.

implusive impulses

2005-01-15T22:14:00.000Z

Last night I accidentally fell through a time portal and ended up at 6 months ago. It was lovely and familiar. I knew what to do. Now I’m back and as I got into bed I almost wished I could do it again but I’ve been told that time travel is only a freak occurrence, and I shouldn’t get emotionally attached to the past. Little traces left behind-little hairs and scents. I love it. The floor is sticky from the wine that was knocked over in a moment of ‘passion?’ or carelessness. Either/or

"Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile
His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen"

I know it’s a cliché but sometimes you meet someone who fits like a glove. Now, I’ve tried hand-warmers and mittens and they’re just not the same. I’m scared you’ll miss my great moments but I just won’t settle for such a low offer. You must live in the infinite black that exists when I close my eyes. I see you when I fall asleep, I see you when I dream. Here's the sunrise on monday

tired mekhi tasty vegetable boots

2005-01-10T23:46:00.000Z

For the last couple of days I’ve been frustratingly exhausted. Tonight I planned a shower and an early night. I was so tired that when I got into the shower, it was several minutes before I realised that I was still wearing my bra. soaked. Despite knowing how sleepy I was, I still stayed awake to watch E.R. I just had to find out whether or not Greg would suffer any long-term brain damage. I think even as a vegetable he’d be tasty. I’ve become exasperated with driving around aimlessly with an old man, listening to what he thinks about the ‘bloody immigrants.’ I bought the most beautiful suede boots. And he didn’t have brain damage.

Tell me something beautiful

2005-01-04T16:38:00.000Z

My New Year celebrations were disappointing but that is now normality, judging by my current emotional standards. Truth is, it was a disaster. When the clock struck 12 I was in the bathroom. After that it just got more and more surreal and unpleasant. I’ll spare you the rotten details. Me and those dreaming eyes of mine leave me stuck in the gutter. Too good to be true, indeed!
I can’t even get a hot shower these days. I don’t feel quite right. I can’t even communicate properly. I’m stuck and still so bored. Since you’ve been gone.
I didn’t sleep well last night. My dreams were full of junkies and tension and hostility with people I love and a feeling of pointlessness. I'm a rose, but people think that I'm just a flower.
Love me, or leave me but I don’t want to be by myself. Tell me something beautiful. Be beautiful. People are ugly. I’m so bored. Give me sensations and butterflies. Make my fingertips tingle and my heart pound. Make me laugh until it hurts. Let’s do things we want to do, without thinking about the consequences. Put me first. Be my greatest inspiration. Help me to become unstuck... that's all

i'm not jealous, i just can't take it

2004-12-25T03:05:00.000Z

I spent the eve of Christmas in the pub with Hannah and 2 old men called Georgie and John. Dementia and drink makes old men funny. I come home and he's not here. I open a present and he doesn't care. I phone him and whine and cry and he's already thought of his justifications for being crap so it doesn't penetrate.

I met my beautiful stranger. I’m on my break with my skinny cappuccino, with 1 sugar, and a cigarette and there he is. Sitting on the steps, in my spot. I tell him he can borrow it. He says he's shy. It felt almost pre-rehearsed. He tells me about his life. I’m nervous, fumbling, shaking, smoking, and smiling. He’s unshaven, self assured, chatty and polite. I’m thinking... wow-this is ideal. Most probably too good to be true, but I take pleasure from it for what it is.

eggnog, mince pies, turkey and merriment

2004-12-15T17:39:00.000Z

I sat on the kitchen floor, in front of the heater, smoking. I thought about Christmas song lyrics that somehow match people I know. For example:
Fahad (obsessed with anything to do with motoring) : "driving home for Christmas"
Katie (who has admitted she is very demanding) : "oh I wish it could be Christmas everyday"
Richard (fascist) : "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas"
Rachel (obese) : "Oh, bring us a figgy pudding"
Robert (keen sailor) : "DECK the halls with boughs of holly"
Sam (vertically challenged) : "have yourself a merry little Christmas"
and so on and so forth. some are farfetched, i know..... Then i realised how wrong it was to use such extreme stereotyping for my own amusement and stopped

I'm quite crestfallen these days. Maybe I have seasonal affective disorder or maybe I'm just lonely. I have two fleeting fantasies of married/co-habiting adult relationship life. I'm not sure if I want to be loved intensively like Meg Ryan in 'When A Man Loves A Woman' except I don't particularly want my partner to be a pilot and I don't fancy being an alcoholic mother. this fantasy has kids and a strong family structure maintained by me. The other; (no children here) a really relaxed relationship whereby we don't even need to talk sometimes and we have a mutual understanding of each others space and we both have our different careers but we support each other when and where we can. Like in Enduring Love. Or maybe we won't be as professional as that. Maybe more casual like in 'High Fidelity'. He could be an aspiring writer or something underpaid but I don't care and I'm happy living in the dingy flat we rent because he's fun and I love him.

Except for the time off, I can't say I'm looking forward to Christmas. There will be lots of food and drink and films on the telly but I don't know how I feel about that. I would say I am indifferent about it at the moment. I don't plan to buy anyone any presents due to lack of money and will. I probably should get my mother something as its practically obligatory and because despite the fact that I've said I don't want any presents she will still give me something or other to unwrap. I don't know what the arrangements are yet. I don't think it's a decision I'll really have to make. It will just happen, you know?
I should like to buy myself some boots with the little money I have and I'll say they are from Santa what with Lapland being the leading suppliers of black knee highs and all.

All I really want for Christmas is a U.S. visa and a job there for next autumn but I expect this won't be possible. It's a drawn-out process.
Christmas is not a thing. I'd rather not be writing about it but there is little else worth mentioning right now. Stupid childhood memories of Christmas remind me that I used to buy my cats (1 and 2) gifts and little canine treats for my grandparent's dogs. They would sign my Christmas cards "love from Nan, Granddad and (insert dogs names)" with little doggy foot print ink symbol optional. Christmas is for children. When I'm at work in central London, and I'm dazzled by the twinkling lights and my eardrums are repetitively pierced by the jingle bells on shite Christmas songs, I pretend its not happening. Fortunately, my friends and family are similarly unenthused about 'the season' so, despite the purple tinsel tree and the mistletoe over the door, I'm quite able to ignore it. It's all a bit stupid as most of the people i know would rather poke their own eyes out than kiss each other but i figure, unless you want to be outcast from society this winter you have to be mildly involved with the festivities. I'm not bitter if that is how I sound. It just washes over me and I smile and politely reply 'and what about you what are you doing for Christmas?' I hope to be absorbed by my studies. Eggnog, mince pies, turkey and merriment and then... January.

bemusing phone call with ex

2004-12-08T17:24:00.000Z

Me: “...Hello?”
Him: “Hi! Are you okay?”
Me: “yeah I’m fine.”
Him: “I’m on my way!”
Me: “what?! Where?”
Him: “to your workplace”
Me: “what the hell?!” (we haven’t talked in weeks and I’m at home)
Him: “ohhhh shit! Whoops… i've phoned the wrong number. I didn’t mean to call you!”
Me: “Right… Okay bye”
Him: “Sorry! How are you anyway?”
Me: “Bye”

A weekend of purple haze in Amsterdam

2004-12-06T18:20:00.000Z

I'm shattered. Into a thousand tiny pieces and I need to recollect my fragmented thoughts.

Amsterdam is a zany place. "Set me your McKroket ." Katy fell up the slippery steps. A guy called Wayne played 9 ball by himself. He wore a shower cap and put footprints on the bed.

Katie has supernatural abilities to find Americans wherever we go and so she did. we all sat talking in a shady but sophisticated coffee shop, between the brothels, irish pubs, sex shops and take-away food outlets. A middle aged gothic-looking woman whom I named "Zelda" smoked hash for hours and stared at Hannah . Then it was 3am and we walked back in the direction of the hotel. It was dark, damp and misty. I thought it made everything look more pretty. JC thought it felt ominous. We said our goodbyes and went to our room. Katie and I sat by the open window and smoked more whilst the church bells tolled.
The next day was overcast but it seemed so bright in comparison to the night before. We went into a cute cafe nearby and stumbled unexpectedly upon JC, Christy and Cam so we drank coffees and ate breakfast together. Cam sang pop songs that everybody knows and talked about his ex-girlfriend and how she felt about her body.
After shopping and picking out adorable pink mittens we went back to Rembrandtplein and smoked again. I signed our names on the bathroom wall.
A double-decker train took us back to the airport. I sat by the window and saw the lighthouses on the coast of Holland flashing and I saw the streetlights turn into dotted patterns and then nothing. I saw my bag come off the plane. We listened to music in the car on the way home and we were all tired and reflective. I wonder if any of our new found acquaintances will be in touch?

what made my day

2004-11-29T17:45:00.000Z

Today I talked to the manwhofellasleep a.k.a. Greg. All the lonely bitterness subsided and after our chat I felt positively elated. My heart warmed up again.
He liked my pigeon photograph. I asked him if he wanted to have a coffee one-day. He said "maybe, I’d like to get to know you a little first.” I apologised for being “over familiar” he said “no, it’s okay.” He said he’d bookmarked my blog and that he would read it. I told him he needn’t bother. He told me of his lack of inspiration and how he didn’t want to repeat the same boring stuff. I said, “I feel the same way about people.” It was nice.

x X x
p.s. i am sexless

I'm awesome and yummy

2004-11-28T21:18:00.000Z

After drinking several glasses of wine I decided it would be a good idea to exhaust all my links with previous love interests. After making multiple phone calls and deciding to leave those losers behind, I feel tomorrow will be a new day and a new beginning. I will be pure and fresh and ready for new preoccupations. hooray
x X x

ex's

2004-11-23T20:48:00.000Z

I’m very angry at the moment. Frustrated and humiliated. I have let myself be led up the wrong path and left and now I’m lost and confused.

We said goodbye a long time ago. And only now it’s started to bother me. I try but I can’t seem to get myself to think of anything but you… and when you’re with someone else it makes me so outraged and I can’t understand why. What a conundrum!?
He will miss me a lot when I go and live on the other side of the world without him, which gives me some comfort. I don’t like feeling out of control in these matters. It must be better to leave than to be left? The truth: he doesn’t have the mental capacity to keep me happy, nor does he have the strength of character to contend with me. Let alone the stability. He's tactless. This is a shame. It used to be heart warming. Perhaps the greener grass on the other side (cockney hairdresser called “Sam” …eugh!) will suit him better. Is that bitter? I can be so bitter sometimes… when I use my bitter 'curse' lines like “I hope you’re really happy together” and “Hope it works out for you two” … too evil. I’m only being insecure but I’ve got to brush that dirt off my shoulder and hold my head up high

This afternoon I was told…

“Ok. During the evening we met you went through a ream of emotions - excitement, joy, surprise, boredom but still you kept true”

Amusing huh? Keep in mind this comes from an almost stranger who is a fantastically complex victim of the world… a strange phantom that somehow fits in superbly. I truly don't know what to make of it.
I’m feeling slightly better than I did when I started writing this. I’m impressed by my restraint… I could have said some naughty sexist things earlier, like “all men are selfish gits” but I maintained my composure except for the bitterness and insults to his intelligence. Could I be more petty and childish??

going to work

2004-11-11T22:25:00.000Z

My bus is late and i'm feeling empty. I have hopes and reservations about a closer friendship with her. i might lose that exciting feeling you get when you don't know someone well. That electrifying mystery. She has that. Once you do get to know someone ugly aspects reveal themselves. Maybe it's my ugly parts are what worry me.

Severe braking and now my ipod has a scratched face. ouch. my heart pangs. buses are crap sometimes. i must admit that when a bus that takes all the simple minded and/or old people to bingo passed me i was mildly warmed. a cheap thrill. The big, orange, autumnal sun is setting between the Millennium Dome and Canary Wharf. A crisp 10 pound note is sucked into the machine and 8 pounds is returned. I'm fare evading again. tut tut.

New people are great. that original flush of intrigue and curiosity. Sometimes i think i should like to keep some people at this stage. It's nice to imagine what a relationship with them might be like. but unfortunately it’s tainted by an uncontrollable desire to meet and talk to them and to have them fulfill or displease your expectation of them. Usually, the reality is they are disappointing to your over-imaginative expectations. It's probably not their fault. Maybe our imaginations are more complimentary and generous to a beautiful stranger than we realise. i think that is 'Hope'. i wonder if i'm ever thought of with such high hopes. i wonder if i could be a beautiful stranger. Why do so many people, including myself, fail to live up to the level of perfection? When they do its astonishing and almost unbelievable...maybe intimidating?! i know only 2 people who have ever done that. Still i wonder how accurate my opinion is and whether it's a fantasy because they are both mysteriously distant. Did i keep them distant on purpose?

The Encounter

2004-11-09T09:42:00.000Z

It was 9pm. We sat in his office and when the sarcastic conversation began to dry up i decided i would sit at his desk and play pictionary. They went to be alone and i sat in the dark alone with barefeet. i made some phone calls and enjoyed how surreal the situation was and wondered how i'd gotten there. Several orgasms later they re-emerged. i made gentle fun of them and we all left. it was 2am

so simple

2004-11-05T01:19:00.000Z

Isn't it funny how things work out. It's getting colder.
I think about her and him everyday and what might have been and what it is now and what could? Is it too late? I know i was too hard.
[B] is comfortingly consistant. I have Purple stones on my finger, nicotine in my blood... again. Cheap fragranced body milk that should have been thrown away. i smell like a hospital flower pot, perhaps an old lady.
I learned something today.... to be careful but that is too insipid when i want to be boundless.

I'm not lovable. Does avoiding the L word protect your feelings? I'm sure I'll find out.
its make-believe, forget it. "just to find myself I should have been - you, saying sorry but I know that isn't going to cut it"
nicotine again? I saw the stars tonight. I might be wasting our time.
It's not too late. I think I'd like to say it again, just to see how it feels because its getting harder than just 'goodbye'

the morning after the night before

2004-10-26T14:05:00.000Z

i was flying last night. today i am firmly grounded, if a little dizzy.
so much to say but i can't find the words
"i love the tone thats in your laugh, gasping for an extra breath"
i'm so happy...
despite the feeling of residual toxins seeping from my skin