Today I am washed up and scared of tomorrow.

You were right about pretty boys, so now I'm listening to Mogwai and writing hateful letters to decorate my desk. Complicated confusions. Today I went to a temple to restore my faith. My atheism and my being out of place was reaffirmed. Thoughts of London and drunken ramblings-Joel's innate love of Scotland saves me a lot of groundwork but he is lazy and dreamphone won't play itself. Still, Jordan is coming and it's just what the doctor ordered. I've just washed my bed sheets and I have a freshly born baby plug-in. Here it's all ups and downs and never ending grey skies. There, the odds and ends will reconvene and we'll get smashed, talk crap and fill in the blanks. Dream about the boys who weren't very nice to us there and who made excuses-just about the only part we don't fall for. Bread makes my stomach swell. My body is hard and I have holes in all my tights

When I can't sleep, I've lit a cheap candle. The night after saying "but at least I don't suffer with insomnia," but ticks and flashes jog me awake. Then I indulge in more pointless thought and fantasise about conversations that will never happen when I'm awake at night smoking cigarettes because I don't know what else to do.

Last night it snowed a wee bit. Chris cooked and marvelled. He's never seen snow before, or people like us either I suppose. Today I took fruit past the door step, into the bedroom and into sickly mouths. Last night, laid in my hard uncomforting bed, exhausted, I realised that moving sensation feeling which I've for felt months before but have never quite grasped and I put my finger right on it. I felt relieved to achieve it but disappointed at what it actually was. Moving on, keeping busy, nursing? Not reading. So tierd I couldn't spell tired. All the answers to the awful past but hopefully passed exam popped up when I was in bed last night.

Glasgow is perfectly beautiful today, almost warmingly so. Pristine and gleaming.
All the sensitive creatures queue waiting and wondering why I'm pleased and scribbling and sometimes, after a momentary glance, how it happened.

ooooh. He bought pink scented loo roll. What is wrong with him? Off with his head

this is incoherent

"well, make sure you don't look like a dyke" sound advice. erm, not that you'll care because I make you feel like appearance doesn't matter, right? reassurance, something. and me, I'm thinking, when does your flight get in? Maybe we can go back to the mountain together while I ask you all about your break and your dog because I think that's something you will to talk to me about. Couldn't give a... And meanwhile, I'll go slowly and privately berserk 'cause that's how it goes. I'll probably casually wait for your flight to get in because mines delayed about 30 whole convenient minutes. A misplaced banana skin on the runway would sort this out once and forall. Shut up.

Anna says:
so much love
Voice of authority and reason says:
so much drugs more like
Anna says:
no, it's more that it's just everyone together in the same boat and it just gives people real affinity for one and other
Anna says:
and you all turn to each other for company, chat, dance, support, help and food and tea and biscuits and cuddles and comfort
Anna says:
and it's amazing because they want it from you too and they are all lovely and interesting and understanding and entertaining and you want to share everything
Anna says:
hah! sorry i'm chatting shit again aren't i?
Voice of authority and reason says:
Yes, but you can't help it
Anna says:
sorry. but still, it's true

6am

Yes I'm awake. What are you doing? I'm fucketed, oh dear and 24 times more likely to break your heart.

Have you disappeared off the face of the earth? they ask.

Yes, I'm afraid I finally fell off on Tuesday and I'm wallowing in gloomy space, it's a comfortless place but it's nice to know I'm missed on earth.
I might come back tomorrow. Maybe we could have lunch together? I ask