what made my day

Today I talked to the manwhofellasleep a.k.a. Greg. All the lonely bitterness subsided and after our chat I felt positively elated. My heart warmed up again.
He liked my pigeon photograph. I asked him if he wanted to have a coffee one-day. He said "maybe, I’d like to get to know you a little first.” I apologised for being “over familiar” he said “no, it’s okay.” He said he’d bookmarked my blog and that he would read it. I told him he needn’t bother. He told me of his lack of inspiration and how he didn’t want to repeat the same boring stuff. I said, “I feel the same way about people.” It was nice.

x X x
p.s. i am sexless

I'm awesome and yummy

After drinking several glasses of wine I decided it would be a good idea to exhaust all my links with previous love interests. After making multiple phone calls and deciding to leave those losers behind, I feel tomorrow will be a new day and a new beginning. I will be pure and fresh and ready for new preoccupations. hooray
x X x

ex's

I’m very angry at the moment. Frustrated and humiliated. I have let myself be led up the wrong path and left and now I’m lost and confused.

We said goodbye a long time ago. And only now it’s started to bother me. I try but I can’t seem to get myself to think of anything but you… and when you’re with someone else it makes me so outraged and I can’t understand why. What a conundrum!?
He will miss me a lot when I go and live on the other side of the world without him, which gives me some comfort. I don’t like feeling out of control in these matters. It must be better to leave than to be left? The truth: he doesn’t have the mental capacity to keep me happy, nor does he have the strength of character to contend with me. Let alone the stability. He's tactless. This is a shame. It used to be heart warming. Perhaps the greener grass on the other side (cockney hairdresser called “Sam” …eugh!) will suit him better. Is that bitter? I can be so bitter sometimes… when I use my bitter 'curse' lines like “I hope you’re really happy together” and “Hope it works out for you two” … too evil. I’m only being insecure but I’ve got to brush that dirt off my shoulder and hold my head up high

This afternoon I was told…

“Ok. During the evening we met you went through a ream of emotions - excitement, joy, surprise, boredom but still you kept true”

Amusing huh? Keep in mind this comes from an almost stranger who is a fantastically complex victim of the world… a strange phantom that somehow fits in superbly. I truly don't know what to make of it.
I’m feeling slightly better than I did when I started writing this. I’m impressed by my restraint… I could have said some naughty sexist things earlier, like “all men are selfish gits” but I maintained my composure except for the bitterness and insults to his intelligence. Could I be more petty and childish??

going to work

My bus is late and i'm feeling empty. I have hopes and reservations about a closer friendship with her. i might lose that exciting feeling you get when you don't know someone well. That electrifying mystery. She has that. Once you do get to know someone ugly aspects reveal themselves. Maybe it's my ugly parts are what worry me.

Severe braking and now my ipod has a scratched face. ouch. my heart pangs. buses are crap sometimes. i must admit that when a bus that takes all the simple minded and/or old people to bingo passed me i was mildly warmed. a cheap thrill. The big, orange, autumnal sun is setting between the Millennium Dome and Canary Wharf. A crisp 10 pound note is sucked into the machine and 8 pounds is returned. I'm fare evading again. tut tut.

New people are great. that original flush of intrigue and curiosity. Sometimes i think i should like to keep some people at this stage. It's nice to imagine what a relationship with them might be like. but unfortunately it’s tainted by an uncontrollable desire to meet and talk to them and to have them fulfill or displease your expectation of them. Usually, the reality is they are disappointing to your over-imaginative expectations. It's probably not their fault. Maybe our imaginations are more complimentary and generous to a beautiful stranger than we realise. i think that is 'Hope'. i wonder if i'm ever thought of with such high hopes. i wonder if i could be a beautiful stranger. Why do so many people, including myself, fail to live up to the level of perfection? When they do its astonishing and almost unbelievable...maybe intimidating?! i know only 2 people who have ever done that. Still i wonder how accurate my opinion is and whether it's a fantasy because they are both mysteriously distant. Did i keep them distant on purpose?

The Encounter

It was 9pm. We sat in his office and when the sarcastic conversation began to dry up i decided i would sit at his desk and play pictionary. They went to be alone and i sat in the dark alone with barefeet. i made some phone calls and enjoyed how surreal the situation was and wondered how i'd gotten there. Several orgasms later they re-emerged. i made gentle fun of them and we all left. it was 2am

so simple

Isn't it funny how things work out. It's getting colder.
I think about her and him everyday and what might have been and what it is now and what could? Is it too late? I know i was too hard.
[B] is comfortingly consistant. I have Purple stones on my finger, nicotine in my blood... again. Cheap fragranced body milk that should have been thrown away. i smell like a hospital flower pot, perhaps an old lady.
I learned something today.... to be careful but that is too insipid when i want to be boundless.

I'm not lovable. Does avoiding the L word protect your feelings? I'm sure I'll find out.
its make-believe, forget it. "just to find myself I should have been - you, saying sorry but I know that isn't going to cut it"
nicotine again? I saw the stars tonight. I might be wasting our time.
It's not too late. I think I'd like to say it again, just to see how it feels because its getting harder than just 'goodbye'